After the tragic shootings at Fort Hood earlier today, I just wanted to send out a heartfelt THANK YOU to all the brave men and women who choose to serve our Country in the US Military. You are the greatest!

I am a veteran. However, I had the “luxury” of serving during peacetime. With wars currently raging in two different countries, you hear everyday about the brave soldiers that we are sending over for their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or even 5th tours of duty in the War Zones.

It is virtually impossible to get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan for three or four deployments unless you have voluntarily re-enlisted in the service during that time frame. These are brave souls who have been over there repeatedly, have seen the worst of war, and who come home and then re-enlist knowing it will most likely lead to even more deployments overseas.

To die here at home, on their own base, at the hands of one of their own, is just tragic and sad in so many ways. Home is the one place that they should be able to have the luxury of feeling safe and now even that appears to have taken away from our soldiers.

Keep in mind the huge sacrifices that these men and women make every day that they serve our great Country.

A special thanks to my cousin David Pakulak who has been serving in the US ARMY for well over a decade. Be safe Dave! We are proud of you and all that serve with you! Your Dad would be very proud to see the sacrifices you have made as you have served all these years!

Local Weather: Sunny and 85 degrees. I hear sleigh bells ringing…….

Kind of weird to see all the trees in their fall colors…..when it is 85 degrees outside.

The trees around here don’t really change colors with the seasons as much as this is the time of year they just up and die from the heat and drought conditions of the previous 9 months.

I followed a redneck pulling a boat behind his truck, which was plastered with 200 NASCAR bumper stickers, for about 20 miles today. His boat was named “WET DREAM”. I would take bets that the guy is a “career bachelor” and has no clue why.

My son and I went to Dallas today for a couple Doctors appointments and spent about 2 hours stuck in gridlocked traffic. What a maddening experience! I do not know how commuters who deal with that crap every day survive. After not moving at one point for about 10 minutes, I glanced at the car next to me and saw the driver seated with his head thrown back, his eyes closed, and his mouth hanging wide open…obviously napping. Come to think of it though….this was Dallas…..there might be a pretty good chance that the guy had been shot…..

Idiocracy of the day. The Dallas Cowboys forced a SEASON TICKET HOLDER to take down the banner she had hung up at this past weekends game against the Seattle Seahawks. The banner said “WE SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” and had the emblems for each branch of the Military on it. At the other end of the field, the team allowed a banner to stay up that said “#24 BARBER SHOP in reference to Marion Barber, #24, the Star running back of the Team.

Also related to that same game…..the retractable roof over the stadium was kept closed for the entire game even though it was 73 degrees and sunny during the game….perfect weather. When asked why the team had kept the roof closed, a Dallas Cowboys Spokesman replied “For Fan Comfort”. Well thank heavens the team is looking out for the fans! We wouldn’t want anyone to break a sweat in that unbearable 73 degree heat…would we?

We had 2 local school bond issues on the election this week. One passed and one failed. The ballot measure asking for money to buy more classroom materials, portable classrooms, and upgrade the current facilities failed.
The measure to spend $100 Million dollars to build a 48,000 seat, retractable roof, 3 decked Football Stadium for our High School….passed in a landslide. There is a provision though that the retractable roof MUST be closed in any weather above 70 degrees….”For Fan Comfort”.

People in my area love to bash President Obama at every chance they get. They seem to forget that the man inherited what amounted to a broken down car parked on the side of the road that had all 4 tires missing, no engine, and no seats….all a result of the poor maintenance that the previous owner (“W”) did while he owned the car. Now, not even a year later, the GOP leaders are all siting in this broken down car, that the President is trying to repair as fast as he can,…all screaming…..”Come on already!! What is the hold up???? Why is this taking so long???”….wanting him to fix the problems….but not by spending any money in the process.

All the people that seem to be going nuts over health care are people that actually have health care benefits. Somehow I think that if you have a family and no health insurance, and one of your kids gets sick or hurt, then you tend to at least give the President credit for trying to do SOMETHING to give everyone benefits. Lord knows the previous man in charge did nothing about it. I have health insurance. I might gripe like Hell about the outrageous cost that we pay, but I am so thankful that we do have benefits. Everyone in our country deserves some kind of coverage.

Let’s just let Rush Limbaugh run the country. He obviously is the only one on the planet that knows how to fix everything that is broken in our Country and how to make everyone happy in the process.

Sometimes the beauty of Mother Nature and all of God’s glorious creatures is amazing. Yesterday I was kind of down on life in general and was in a foul mood when I walked outside to check my mailbox. Outside my front door, about 3 feet into my yard was a cute little bunny rabbit, happily munching away on grass and seemingly undisturbed by my presence so close to him/her. I saw this cute, cuddly little innocent creature, took a deep breath, let out a deep sigh, and then dropkicked the little furball about 30 yards across the yard.

Sometimes the beauty of Mother Nature and all of God’s glorious creatures is amazing. Sometimes in life you just need to kick the snot out of a bunny!

How low can a person get in life? When I post a “Status Update” on FACEBOOK…..I find myself clicking “I LIKE THIS” to my own comments….

Is it a bad sign when you log onto FACEBOOK and see that their are 5 “Friends” online….then within 3.2 seconds….4 of them log off?

The kid, piano prodigy that he is, sat down at the piano and started hammering a long piece of classical music virtually without any flaws or flubs, for about 20 minutes. I finally broke down and asked him what he was playing. “Rachmanonov’s Piano Suite in C Minor” he happily replied. Ever the idiot and with little appreciation for the fine arts…I politely asked him..”Can you play the theme from Sesame Street for me?”
Now THAT is some classical music!!

Sunny Day
Sweepin’ the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street

Remember the prison quality food you used to eat in the school cafeteria when you were a kid? I remember holding a rusty tray and sliding down the serving line like Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid in “Vegas Vacation”…telling the serving ladies….”some more yellah…and some green…..and give me some of the Blue….”

My 12yr old complains because he can eat Pizza every day, chicken strips everyday, hamburgers every day, and he complains because they don’t change the flavors in the SLURPEE machine often enough for his liking.

And for you bunny lovers out there. I did not kick the bunny, repeat, I did not kick the bunny. At least…that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Sesame Street is now broadcasting a special version designed solely for young viewers in the Detroit, New York, and Miami areas. (Below)

Judgement Day.

The pathology results of the 13 skin cancers I had carved from my hide last week all came back today, and just as I suspected, none of them were actual skin cancers. Six of the sites were just smudges of dirt, 3 were specks of spaghetti sauce, 2 were splotches of Taco Bell Fire Hot Sauce, one was a small piece of crystallized corned beef hash, and one was listed as “left pinkie toe”. Upon reading that, I ripped off my left sock and sure enough…no pinkie toe. No wonder I have been walking tilted at an angle in circles all week!

OK so maybe I exaggerated just a little. All the pathology results came back as Basal Cell Carcinomas
but I had to frantically try to think up some rational way to explain away the fact that I woke up this morning without a pinkie toe. My loving wife will have a field day with this little nugget as she is always quick to remind me that I would lose my own head if it was not attached to my body. I spent the better part of the morning scouring through the bedding and under the bed but could find no sign of the toe. How in the world does a pinkie toe just up and run away anyway? I somehow suspect that one or more of our Obese House Cats are to blame as I have noticed they tend to drool quite a bit as I shuffle past with bare feet. I am going to try to play this one low key and will pray that the wife does not notice the missing toe anytime soon. I just hope that someday a week or two from now she is not rifling through the fridge looking for a snack and then starts screaming “OH MY GOD!!! WHO THE HELL PUT A PINKIE TOE IN THE REFRIDGERATOR AND DID NOT PUT IT IN A BAGGIE OR TUPPERWARE CONTAINER!!!”

Somewhere in New York City, Cosmo Kramer is recounting the pinkie toe incident to George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld…

Kramer: Yeah, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital.

George: You ran!?

Kramer: No I jumped on the bus. I told the driver “I got a toe here buddy, step on it!”

George: Holy cow!

Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost the idiot guy in Texas his pinkie toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, “Where do you think you’re going, Cracker Jack?” I said, “Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy – ” – knocked him out cold!

George: How could you do that!?

Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,’ because the driver, he’s passed out from all the commotion…the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I’m drivin’ the bus.

George: You’re Batman!

Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin’ me! So I’m fightin’ him off with one hand and I kept drivin’ the bus with the other, y’know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know – at the next stop.

Jerry:(Incredulous)You kept making all the stops!?

Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!

George: You did all of this for a pinky toe?

Kramer: Well, it’s a valuable appendage.

Jerry: What the hell kind of Idiot loses a Pinkie Toe anyway? What a loser!

A friend of mine is currently trying to sell much of her belongings on EBAY. I tried selling my soul on EBAY once but did not get any bidders. I was contacted by one fellow who wanted to know if I could post a photo of my soul to help him decide if he wanted to bid….and I was also contacted by a member of an obscure pagan cult in Alabama that was very interested…but who balked at the $4.99 Shipping charge I was asking.

Next time we get low on funds, I may try to sell my sense of humor….though I fear it also may go without any bids.

Happy November! It was 75 degrees here today. Brrrrrrrr I may have to start wearing socks…..

A local radio station has already started streaming 24hrs a day of Christmas Music on their website and will go to 24hrs a day on the radio after Thanksgiving.

We were in a Kohl’s Saturday and they already had Christmas stuff up. Bah-humbug.

While in Kohl’s, I was assigned the task of helping my son pick out some new basketball shoes for his upcoming season. My wife gave me strict instructions to NOT buy any shoes that had any BLUE, GREEN, YELLOW, ORANGE, BLACK, SILVER, or RED in them in that these were the colors of all of our district opponents.

I bought him a pair of brown flip-flops.

I think a slackjawed drooling idiot would be able to explain the theory of relativity easier than it would be for ANYONE in the NCAA to explain how exactly the BCS rankings are obtained. Personally, I think it is just a group of lab monkeys in some research facility crapping all over some buttons and dials and as a result, whatever the computer spits out…..that is your BCS rankings!

The kid can play “Yellow Submarine” on our piano with just one hand. I drank way too much in college one night and thought I saw a Yellow Submarine submerging in the middle of a shopping mall though what that memory has to do with my son’s musical talent is confusing even to me.

At this stage in life, just trying to remember how to breathe manages to confuse me.

A passenger in the airport one day asked me how come they do the announcements for the MEXICANA AIRLINES flight to Mexico City in “Mexican” on the Airports PA system. I told her that they were doing the announcements in SPANISH. She then remarked…. “MEXICANA flies to Spain from here?”

Listening to Idiot’s like that, I now know why Tigers eat their young.

In the past week, I have gotten autographs from Lee Grant, Billy Crystal, and Angie Dickinson…..or as my smart aleck son puts it….”An old fart and two old broads…”

My son remarked yesterday that 40yr old NFL Quarterback Brett Favre needs to retire for good because he is “so dang old!!”. When I told him that Brett Favre was younger than his own Mother and I, the kid just laughed….”Look at you Dad! Your at Death’s door already!!”

Lesson Learned:

When frustrated by the lack of not even a single trick-or-treater coming to our door, after the wife had spent a small fortune on bags of candy, it is not advisable under any circumstances for a middle aged man to stand in his yard and yell “Hey pretty little girl…ya want some candy?….come over to my house and I will give you some candy….” at packs of passing school children.

The local police were not amused.

I hate that my son no longer trick-or-treats. I no longer get to experience the utter and complete joy of sneaking into his room in the middle of the night and gracefully and quietly rifling through his Halloween Candy bucket in search of my favorite candies. Oh sure, I can go out and buy bags of candy at the store anytime I want….but pilfered candy stolen in the heat of the night is the best! There is no substitute.

My 19yr old daughter, who obviously inherited my warped sense of humor, went to a Halloween party dressed with a makeshift table built around her with a lamp sitting on the table. She was a “One Night Stand”.

I watched about 10 minutes of the recent remake of “Halloween” before becoming bored and turning the channel. Some classic are not meant to be remade and the great original “Halloween” is one of them. Can you imagine someone remaking “Caddyshack”, “The Blues Brothers”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, “Stripes”, or best yet….”Road House”? I could name dozens more that should not be touched. I read recently that they are currently filming a remake of “Red Dawn”. Big mistake! Leave the greats alone!

Anyone besides me willing to pay to see a Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston no-holds barred, fight to the death cage match? Personally, I think she would probably kick his butt.
I feel sorry for Bristol’s poor baby that will grow up and get to look back and read and watch all the mud that Grandma and Daddy were constantly flinging at each other.

Word here in Texas that thousands of Prison Inmates will be getting Swine Flu vaccines before many members of the general public. The reason..”the prisoners are in constant close proximity to each other”. Gee…I guess all the schoolchildren in the state do NOT get close to each other at all during a typical day.

My parents both went to the Doctor yesterday and were told that because they are both in a “High Risk” category of patient, they would both be getting Swine Flu shots. My Dad asked what made them “High Risk” and the Nurse just laughed uncontrollably for about 5 minutes while staring at both of my parents Medical Records which are each twice as large as New York City phone books.

Wal-Mart, the store chain that will be the death of me, either through some kind of horrific contagious disease I catch in one of their stores, or through my murder at the hands of a gun-crazed, toothless store employee tired of my constant ragging on their stores, will now be following me and millions of other poor souls into the afterlife.
Yes, Wal-Mart is now selling discounted Caskets and Urns on their website. First they aim to put ALL small “Mom and Pop” stores out of business in our Country, and now they want to put the Nations Funeral Homes out of business as well. This is just the first step. How long before they start opening Wal-Mart Cemeteries and Mausoleums across the Country? How long before Cremation services are offered right in the store alongside the Tire and Lube Services? “Attention in the store….John Smith….your Dodge Durango is ready in the Tire Center and your Father-in-Law is ready in the Cremation Center…” Think of the consequences, no matter how gross and sickening they may be. Their will be low-income, uneducated folks (in the deep south) who will be stuffing loved one’s corpses into the back of the garage or pickup in order to wait for the next good sale on caskets or Urns at Wal-Mart. It WILL happen. I better stay on my wifes good side. Once she reads this, she will undoubtedly be on the Wal-Mart website looking to purchase me a cheap plastic Urn to hold my remains….just in case I do get on her bad side.

While working at the Airport recently, passengers started filling up the waiting area right behind my podium for a flight to Newark, New Jersey. Two huge burly looking gentleman who appeared to be of Italian descent and who looked like they had both stepped off the set of “The Sopranos”, came up to me and one of them asked “Yo…if dis is Texas…how comes der aint no oil wells and them cowzus with da big horns outside the winduhs?” Tired of the constant stereotyping of our dear Lone Star State, I immediately shot back a rude look and then replied “So…If I fly to Newark I can expect to look out the window and see you guys unloading a large bag filled with someone you WHACKED out of the trunk of a large sedan…right outside the window of the airport?” Both huge men instantly grabbed me by the scruff of my collar, yanked me up to within a whisker of their angry faces, and whispered…”What did you see Fat man??? WHAT DID YOU SEE????!!!!!”

COLLEGE PUMPKINS GONE WILD!!!

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A Dallas City Councilman wants to pass a new city procedure that would require 911 Operators that receive calls for Ambulance or Paramedic assistance to get a credit card number from callers before dispatching assistance.

Yes, it’s true. I can’t make this stuff up.

A possible future call.

Operator: “911 Emergency”

Caller: “Help!! I’m on fire!! Help!!”

Operator: “What card will you be paying with tonight sir?”

Caller: “Aaarrrrgggg!! Help meeeeee!! Aaarrrggggggg”

Operator: ” Sir we take Visa, American Express, Masterc……”

Caller: “Aaaaarrrrggggg…..I’ts….a……V….IIIIII….sssssss…Aaaaaaaarrrgggggggg Help Me Please……Number…..672….aaaaarrrgggg…76…….Oooooowwwwwwwwww….4327…………expires 5/11……Aaaaaaarrrgggggg For the Love of God Please send help!! I’m burning!!!!”

Operator: “Let me repeat that sir….Visa 672764327 Expires 5 of 2011?”

Caller: ” AAAAAArrrrrrggggggggg The Pain!! The Pain!!…..Aaaaarggggggg!!”

Operator: Thank you sir…I have your confirmation code…do you have a pen handy?”

Caller” I’m coming towards the light Mama…aaaaarrrggggg…I’m comin towards the light!…..Aaaaarrrrrgggggg”
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Last night, a friend of mine posted on her FACEBOOK page that she had attended……..a QUILT GUILD Meeting!! Yes, a QUILT GUILD MEETING!!! I know I know….I was just as shocked as you probably are!!

I too thought we had rid the USA of these radical anarchists decades ago. But no, apparently…despite all the strides we have made in our great land, there is still at least one pocket of citizens who so little of the unwritten laws of human decency and respect…..that they formed another dreaded QUILT GUILD. I am so sad that my dear friend has gone to the dark side and joined this group of backwards thinking nutjobs. I shall pray that she comes to her senses quickly and can escape their evil clutches before she becomes a full-blown, gun-waving, Government hating member of THE QUILT GUILD!!
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The Quilters Guild #239 of East Omaha, Nebraska
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A tragic thing happened yesterday evening in a small nearby town. The KWIK STOP burned down. The KWIK STOP, a combination Convenience Store, Gas Station, Fine Dining establishment, and the center of all social interaction for the town, is no more. This morning, hundreds of overweight locals are standing in the street, staring at the smoldering ruins, tears streaming down their faces, wondering where in the world they will get their usual morning 96 ounce soft drink. What a sad, sad scene.
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I must be luckiest dude on the face of the planet! Every day I get about a half-dozen emails from numerous African Princes, Dukes, Counts, and Kings all explaining that I alone have been chosen to share in a great fortune of money that they have recently come into. Lucky Lucky me!!
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Speaking of FACEBOOK, the all-dominating center of the universe as we know it, my Cousin Whitney and I were having an interesting online chat (on FACEBOOK) about one of our favorite subjects, SEINFELD. As huge addicts and fans of the show, we both agreed that the characters on the show would all be having a field day with the current state of our FACEBOOK and TWITTER dominated society. George in particular would be a basket case, always worried about how many FACEBOOK friends he has, jealous that Newman has hundreds more than him, causing George to spend hours online creating fake accounts for people like “Art Vandelay” and “Buck Naked” so that these fake people could become FACEBOOK friends with him. George would, of course, use a High School photo of him with hair on his FACEBOOK page, he would list himself as an Architect, and would be advertising that he is looking for a female soul-mate who has a “pinkish hue” to her cheeks.
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College Cats gone wild!
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For years, I have been trying to convince my wife that we need to retire in Red River, New Mexico….my favorite place on Earth. The wife wants to retire in Austin, Texas….her favorite place on Earth. In her mind, she is the major bread winner of the family, therefore we are destined for old age in Austin. Me, I think that destiny has major plans for us in Red River and I see little subtle hints that lead me down that road of belief. The other day my wife’s retirement account statement from the Teachers Retirement System of Texas arrived in the mail. While the TRS is located in Austin (which my wife takes as a sign from above)…..the actual office is located on RED RIVER STREET!! Hint hint… I say that is a major hint from above that we need to live in Red River. My wife has not budged in the slightest, telling me to look real close at the name of the TRS Administrator that signed her annual statement. The woman’s name: Mya Idiotubbie.
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Today as I was preparing to step into the shower I noticed one those minuscule little “free” body wash and shampoo containers that we all love to swipe from the finer hotels in the world. This tiny little bottle had the “Sheraton” label so happily snapped it up and took it into the shower looking forward to using it instead of the usual cheapo wet-mullet smelling swill I usually use from Wal-Mart. I got in, got my trusted SpongeBob scrubbie, squeezed all the contents of the small bottle onto the scrubbie and commenced happily scrubbing. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed but for the life of me, I could not work up the slightest bit of a lather. The stuff smelled real good, alot better than wet-mullet, but not a bubble was to be seen anywhere. So, be warned if you stay at a Sheraton. The Sheraton brand Body Lotion is worthless and will not lather up worth a bean!
My wife later informed me that apparently body lotion is meant to be applied AFTER you shower….to dry skin. How the Heck was I supposed to know that? It doesn’t say that on the bottle! Where’s my trusty wet-mullet!!? Why is life so confusing?

Yet another huge car bombing in Pakistan today. Business as usual for that Country. But what can you expect from a country where QUILT GUILDS are allowed to operate without restrictions? Before you know it, that chaos will all find it’s way to our shores…..

Our town is hosting its annual “HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR” celebration this Saturday. According to the posters plastered all over town, this years event features such classics as “Candy, Games, Face Painting, Inflatables, trick or treating, scariest costume contest, flaming machete toss (Last kid with an upper extremity still attached and not aflame wins), Texas toddler bounce house (in which toddlers are placed in a bounce house and then dropped from a tall building), roadkill pie cook-off, the Rush Limbaugh Sexorama House of Horrors (in which patrons are restrained and forced to watch a pirated Rush Limbaugh Sex Tape), and scariest of all, a Kathy Griffin look-alike contest.

My 12yr old has finally reached the age where he has no desire to go out trick or treating, although he could easily do so, because for some strange reason, people in Texas tend to trick or treat until they reach the age of 30. My son desires only to spend the whole evening trying to scare the daylights out of any innocent little kids that my wander up to our door. My wife and I have told him that he will do no such thing and that he will instead do what every other mature and upstanding adult in town does, he will hide in the dark on the living room floor with his Mom and I and pretend that we are not at home every time the doorbell rings.

I love “Flash Forward”, “The Middle” and “Cougar Town”, but to me, “Modern Family” is destined to be a sitcom classic and will be around for years to come. What a great show!

I am proudly the only male in the entire Lone Star State who does NOT carry any type of knife. Need something cut, sliced, chopped, skewered, poked, or prodded? Grab any Texas male over the age of 3 months old (except me) and they will be able to gladly assist you. Even at my own wedding, while standing on the altar awaiting the arrival of my bride, after discovering a loose thread protruding from my rental tux, I was greeted by the sight of my best man, 13 men in the audience, and the preacher himself, all proudly holding out knives, pocketknives, butcher knives, and jagged saws of all shapes and sizes for me to use to cut the thread. Why do I not carry any type of knife product? Because I am an uncoordinated idiot. Me and sharp instruments is just asking for grotesque bodily mutilation and loss of prized appendages. But, for those real men out there in the world that just have to have another damn knife…..here is the ultimate do-it-all Swiss Army Knife that will have every guy and boy in Texas drooling this Christmas.

Now that’s a KNIFE!! (But good luck trying to carry that thing around in your pocket without damaging your goodies…)

To show you what an idiot my wife thinks I am…… Today she decided that she would make cornbread and beans (a redneck delicacy) for dinner. She called from work and told me to get into the pantry, put some beans into the crock pot, add some water, and then turn the crock pot on to high so the beans could cook all day. Within minutes of hanging up, she called me back just to verify that I understood that it was PINTO beans that I needed to put in the crock pot. In her head, she had visions of me opening up cans of green beans and dumping them into the pot.

What kind of idiot does she take me for?

(I sure hope she doesn’t find the green bean cans in the trash….)

I can understand employees of a hospital dressing up in costumes to get everyone in the Halloween mood. I was kind of alarmed though when I found myself having my blood drawn by a male lab technician dressed as Freddy Krueger (complete with knife blade gloves), and was very shocked when I was laying on the operating room table, just getting ready to get put under anesthesia, when my SURGEON bursts through the OR doors in full Texas Chainsaw Massacre Leatherface gear complete with human skin mask, bloody apron, and roaring blood-soaked chainsaw. That increased the old pucker factor a bit.

Saw a real good documentary last week about the English comedy group “Monty Python”. One of the shows was about the troubles they encountered with their classic film “The Life of Brian”. I love British Humor and think this is one of the funniest movies ever made. The documentary talked about the huge uproar the film caused from Church groups around the world that found the film blasphemous and derogatory towards Christ although the film only pokes fun at everything around Christ and not the man himself. I am a Christian and I am not the least bit offended by the film at all. One of the Monty Python members described a scene which was cut from the film due to the uproar and as he described it, I found it to be very funny.

He says that the scene would have involved Jesus and the 12 Apostles all showing up at the Restaurant for the Last Supper. They approach the Maitre’d and say that they “need a table for 13 please”. The Maitre’d says that 13 will not work…..he can do a table for 7 and then an adjacent table for 6. Jesus says that they HAVE to have a table for 13…..AND everyone HAS to be sitting on the same side of the table. The Maitr’d gets a worried look and says “Now THAT is going to be a problem……”

Of course it sounded alot funnier as he was describing it, but I thought that scene would have been hilarious.

So, the two Northwest Airline Pilots who overflew their destination by over 100 miles, admit now that they were on their personal laptops “checking their crew schedules”. Riiiiiigggghhhhhtttttttttt. I think the “Tending their Virtual Farms on FACEBOOK theory is looking alot more plausible now. Personally, I still think they HAD to be sleeping.

One thing I would like to see made legal:

If you are stuck in a long line at SUBWAY and the person in front of you finally gets to order but takes forever because he/she cannot decide what kind of bread they want, or what toppings they want, even though they have been in line staring at the food for 10 minutes…..you should be legally allowed to bypass that person, go directly to the cash register area, grab someone Else’s plastic sack with two or preferably three sandwiches already inside, work your way back through the line to the idiot that was in front of you, then you should legally be able to pummel and smack them repeatedly with the sandwich bag until they are a bruised and weeping lump on the floor.

A salesperson from the Fort Worth Newspaper, that I used to subscribe to, called me and all but begged me to resume my subscription to the paper. When he asked why I no longer took the paper, I told him that I can read the entire paper online for FREE. He said “but…but….but……but…..” but could not think of a good response.

A state Appeals Court here in Texas upheld a 4,060 year prison sentence for a convicted sex offender. That amounts to nearly 1.5 MILLION days in prison. Good grief people! Sentence the man to LIFE in prison like “normal” states do and be done with it.