Monday.

Therapy day.

I show up and sign in. After a few minutes in the waiting area, a Physical Therapist shows up to drag me back to the torture table.

I get a lump in my throat.

It is Straight shooting Steve.

Straight shooting Steve is a former US Marine. According to him, he was a Special Forces Interrogator on various battlefields throughout the Middle East. According to him, his personal skills of physical and Psychological torture were such that he could have even the most hardened male enemy combatants willing to confess that they were actually women within mere minutes of the start of one of Steve’s “sessions”.

Steve looks like he eats bullets for breakfast.

After getting out of the service, Steve needed a new outlet for his skills, hence he became a Physical Therapist.

Steve gets his nickname due to the fact that he is brutally honest.

There is no beating around the bush with Steve.

Soon, I found myself sitting on the torture table with my newly-healing injured bare foot resting in his hands.

“OK Sir…..first I am going to start out by performing a dorsiflexion maxi-stretch and rotation maneuver. This exercise will pull at your newly attached tendons to a degree of which you have not experienced since your surgery. You are going to feel an intense, almost unbearable burning pain at the sites of tendon reattachment, followed by the distinct sensation that the tendons are indeed being ripped from the bone. This intense pain will travel up your leg, causing nerves and muscle to involuntarily convulse, with pain radiating up into your spinal cord, causing such severe neurological trauma that you may end up losing all control of your bowels and bladder, therefore sir, I’m gonna need you to use the restroom before I begin. Also, I’m going to need you to place this ball gag in your mouth during the exercise so that your uncontrolled screaming and hysterics do not disturb our other patients”

He motioned for me to head off to the restroom.

I hobbled across the room, cane in one hand, shoes in the other, looked back to see that he was not watching me, and the I hobbled faster than any human in recorded history, out the door, and down the street…..to freedom.

My Father, who had driven me to therapy, and whom I had blasted past as I bolted out the door, finally caught up to me about 3 blocks later.

As I stood next to his car window, huffing and puffing, I tried to explain the reasons for my hasty escape, but dear Dad was quick to point out that he could not understand a word I was saying, thanks to the ball gag still in my mouth.

This month of therapy is going to be real interesting to say the least.

**Time for another flashback post, way back to 2006**

My wife was the valedictorian of her High School in the bustling metropolis of Chillicothe, Texas. After graduation, she chose to attend the University of Texas in Austin,(National Champs!) a somewhat surprising choice since most students in her area of West Texas would have chosen Texas Tech University in nearby Lubbock. By all accounts my wife had a normal and joy filled childhood and a stellar school career in Chillicothe. She was crowned School Queen (I knew I would marry royalty), was a Cheerleader, and was active in a number of groups and organizations. After deciding to attend UT-Austin she made a fateful mistake that would forever ruin her life and drive her emotionally to the edge of insanity…..she chose to be a Psychology Major! I can say with all honesty after living with this wonderful little woman for 16 years now, that persons with degrees in Psychology are the most confused, messed up people walking the planet! These poor students have it drilled into them for four long years that in the world of Psychology, “everything has a purpose” and “everything has a meaning”. This leaves these poor souls aimlessly trying to discover the true purpose and meaning of everything on the planet. They cannot intellectually accept something as simple as “it is what it is” without trying to overanalyze everything. I myself only have about 40 hours of college credits, accumulated at a Community College and a small “Wannabe” college in Oregon, a fact that my wife is not hesitant to remind me of. If I can’t open the pickle jar, she rips it from my hands, twists it open with ease, and then will give me a sarcastic “That’s what a degree will do for you…you weak, worthless wimp!”. Of course my wife might just be suffering from sort of genetic anti-social behavior since the mere existence of actual Psychology has been challenged my many renowned scientists and experts like Dr. Tom Cruise. (Run Katie Run!) Getting back to the warped world these poor souls live in. Whatever you happen to say to a Psychology major, he or she will try to figure out “what you really meant”, often driving themselves to the edge of madness in the process. Do not ever try to argue with a person with a degree in Psychology, especially a woman with a Psych degree. Just remember that the woman has the last word in any argument and that anything a man says after that is just the beginning of a new argument. An Argument that you will NEVER win. Ever. Example:

Wife- “How does my hair look?”
Husband- “It looks fine”
Wife- “What’s wrong with it?”
Husband – “Nothing..I said it was fine..”
Wife – “You liar!..You hate it!….”
Husband – “Ok..I’m sorry…your hair looks nice….”
Wife – “no it doesn’t..you’re just saying that so I won’t be mad at you..”
Husband – “No really…it looks nice!”
Wife – “What are you REALLY trying to say….Nice?
Husband- “Dear, nice really does mean good…honest”
Wife – “Liar!…I look like a troll!”
Husband- “Can I go now?”
Wife- “Fine! Just think about yourself and ignore my feelings you selfish idiot!”

Again a rule to remember, you will never, ever, win an argument with a person with a degree in psychology. And don’t under any circumstances say that anything about your wife is “fine” or “nice”, these words will not be in her vocabulary if she happens to wield a degree in Psychology. Again, they will always try to read way too much into everything that goes on around them. When our son was a baby he often had the rude and unusual habit of waking up and crying in the middle of the night.

Baby- “WaaaaaaaWaaaaaWaaaaaaaa”
Wife-” I wonder what’s the matter with Tyler?…..”
Stupid Husband – “He’s hungry…..”
Wife – “No..that’s not it..something else must be bothering him….”
Baby – “WaaaaaWaaaaaa(I’m Hungry!)”
Husband – “I tell you honey…the boy is hungry……”
Wife- “are you implying that I don’t know the needs of my own child?”
Baby- “gooo goooo fooood fooooood gooo gooo “
Husband – “No dear…I’m just saying..he hasn’t eaten in 4 hours and he’s probably hungry”
Wife – “You ignorant slob…..you think I’m a bad mother!……..”

See my point, you will never win. One final example:

Husband-” You know honey I was reading up on Psychology and was wondering something…if the what that we are is all that we can be then what we strive to be is irrelevant and useless in this modernistic world of free-thinking and self-assurance….I was wondering then, If this all that I am, and that if this all I want to be, then haven’t I reached my full potential in a psychological and physical sense?……”

Wife- “What the heck have you been smoking? You stick to reading the funny pages and leave the Psychology to us that earned actual degrees from an Institution of Higher Learning…..knuckle dragging spineless jellyfish!”

In all honesty, being married to my wife and her treasured degree, has had a huge impact on my intellectual well-being. Before I met my wife, I was an emotionless, boring slug. I often sat motionless at my desk, a blank look on my face, and had an endless supply of drool trickling out of my mouth. I had no sense of humor, no sense of purpose, no ambition in life, and was not even concerned with maintaining
any consistent form of personal hygiene. This is true, just ask my friend. (singular) Being the subject of such intense psychological scrutiny and humiliation for the past 16 years has helped me come out of my confining shell as helped to me to grow immensely as a human being. In fact, if you weigh me on the scales right now, you will see that I am growing a whole new human inside of my body as we speak! I would guess that the “New Me” will probably weigh about 50lbs when he comes into the world seeing as how that correlates to the amount of pounds I have gained since I entered into therapy. (marriage) Thank you honey for all your help over these years! Just imagine how twisted my mind will be in another 16 years! And what is she doing with her degree in Psychology these days?

She is an Elementary School Special Education Teacher.

Run kids….run!

(From the Archives: January 2006)

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

(Original Authors unknown)

Time to hurt your heads.

Try to keep up.

There will be a quiz later.

Tyler informed my wife and I that Hannah is now secretly communicating with Tyler again.

You remember Tyler, yep…that’s right, Tyler Hannah.

Yep, Hannah, according to Tyler, is again stirring things up with Tyler Hannah.

Lost yet?

Tyler is our son, you know, “The kid”.

Hannah is our daughter, aka, Hannah.

Tyler Hannah is our daughter’s former boyfriend.

Yep, that’s right, his name is Tyler Hannah.

Yes, it’s true, marriage would result in our daughter becoming Hannah Hannah.

We would have a son, Tyler, and a son-in-law, Tyler.

Our son Tyler would have a Brother-in-law Tyler.

To make life simpler, Hannah would be then known just as “H-Squared”.

Don’t worry, the whole thing hurts our heads too.

Tyler = Son
Hannah = Daughter
Tyler Hannah = Hannah former B’Friend

Quiz:

What is a one word definition for the day before the day after yesterday?

A. Yesterday
B. Today
C. Tomorrow

Thursday.

Bridgeport, TX.

Earth.

It’s time to begin therapy on the new bionic foot.

I go to the Physical Therapy establishment for my initial evaluation.

The Therapy place is right next door to a new Chinese Buffet that my Dad and I will be assaulting once my evaluation is complete.

The two businesses share a common wall.

The reception area of the Therapy place must border the kitchen of the Chinese Buffet, as evidenced by the continuous muffled sounds of dogs barking and monkeys shrieking.

I check in at the front desk.

The gal hands me a mountain of paperwork to fill out.

The first 10 pages want me to detail my entire health history from the time I was born. I decide to get “creative” just to see if they actually read this stuff.

After 20 minutes of paperwork, the lead therapist comes to get me. She leads me back to an exam room and has me sit on a table as she pulls up a rolling chair and starts to pour through my paperwork.

“Mr. Packawack… What exactly led to the injury on your foot?…..it says VABFAB on here but I’m afraid that I don’t recognize that abbreviation…”

I tell her that this is the standard globally recognized abbreviation for “Violent Attack By Flightless Antarctic Bird”.

She looks up at me.

“Huh?”

I need to put it into layman’s terms for her.

“I was attacked by a Penguin“

“You were attacked by ….a penguin…..an actual penguin…..little cute guy in a tuxedo type of penguin?”

“Yes, though I wouldn’t say he was real cute….look at what he did to my foot!”

“And this happened where exactly?”

“San Antonio“

“You were attacked by a vicious penguin in San Antonio?”

“Yep…..at Sea World“

The girl rolled her eyes. Obviously she was dealing with a clearly deranged or severely psychotic idiot.

“Moving on Mr. Packawack….. Under your medical history, I notice a few more entries and abbreviations that I don’t recognize…. what is this “ATCOS” entry back in 2005?”

“That is ATROPHIED TESTICULAR CIRCULAR OBJECT SYNDROME“

“Huh?”

“In Layman’s terms it means shrunken Kahonies“

She rolls her eyes and moves on…

“And in 2007….you have marked down…SHC X2?”

“Yes Ma’am….. That is SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION…..TWO EPISODES“

“You spontaneously burst into flames….twice?”

“Yep“

“Alrighty…moving on…Under chronic conditions, you list CNPFUF…..what is that if I dare to ask?”

“Yes Ma’am….that’s CHRONIC NOCTURNAL POTENTIALLY FATAL UNCONTROLLED FLATULENCE“

“As in fatal to you?”

“No Ma’am….fatal to my wife….”

“Moving on…….under your medications, you list Coumadin, Neurontin, and FV (1W,1B,2BB Daily)… I don’t recognize the FV 1W 1B 2BB medication”

“Yes Maam…. that’s FLINTSTONES VITAMINS, 1 WILMA, 1 BARNEY, AND TWO BAM-BAM’S DAILY“

The gal sat motionless, mouth open.

Just then, another therapist, a guy who had treated me before, saw me and entered the room.

“Hey Mark! Wassssup!!! You’re not giving Michelle a hard time are ya? What has he told ya Michelle? Last year, he came in after supposedly being bitten by a rabid moth that he was sure was actually a vampire…. what goofy reason did he give you?

“Penguin Attack…”

The guy high-fived me.

“Penguin attack! Niiiiiicccccceeeee!”

Suddenly, the muffled dog barks from behind the wall stopped. That could only mean one thing, Fresh Kung Pao Shihtzu was soon to be carried to the buffet table. It was time for lunch! The therapist made me a schedule for therapy on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday for the next month, I retrieved my Dad, and off we shuffled to the Chinese place next door.

And yet another innocent therapist has been introduced to the warped world of the Idiot.

My wife and I’s lives as seen through the eyes of Hollywood.

May Hollywood have mercy on our souls…

“I don’t care how much you sweet talk me Idiot!….I am not putting on the Princess Leia costume again tonight!”

“Good grief Idiot!! Put the damn toilet seat down!! It’s like sharing a bathroom with with an epileptic gorilla!”

“Hurry Idiot!! They’re coming!!”

“Yes information, I need the number for 911 please…and hurry!!”

“Now look out there Idiot….there’s lots of people wearing that same goofy leotard you got on….no..it does not make you look like a girly man….”

“Idiot…”

“Yes Dear…”

“This usually works better without the Batman Underoos on….”

“Damnit Idiot!! I told you that you could get a Kitten!! not a damn monkey!!!”

“Really Idiot??? Did your mother not teach you how to brush your teeth? Good lord…did you eat a camel for lunch?”

“For the last time idiot!! Let go of my hand!! You are pulling me down into the water!!! let go!!”

(Wife screaming from out of frame) “Good grief Idiot!! I told you that I don’t like KC and the Sunshine Band!!! Quit blasting that crap!!”

“I’m leaving you Idiot!”

“Why my dear?”

“Pot scrubbies! You just can’t seem to learn to put the damn pot scrubbies back where they belong!”

“Ya know Mrs. Robinson, I know a good physical therapist that could improve that dorsiflexion for you..”

“Nope Idiot! You still missed it….that sucker is huge…how could you not see that? Do I need to get you new nosehair clippers for Christmas?”

The Idiot’s wife has to sneak home from work in order to retrieve some reports that had left sitting on her small table in the bedroom.

She comes in from the garage and finds the living room quiet and empty.

There is no sign of her idiot husband.

Obviously he is in the bedroom, lounging on the bed as usual, milking those pathetic Doctor’s orders for all their worth.

She quietly walks through the house and into the bedroom.

The idiot is face down on the bed, sobbing uncontrollably, with his face buried in his pillow.

He is unaware of her presence in the room.

The poor man seems to be having a major breakdown.

The wife feels guilty.

Obviously, the stress of her husband’s health issues have finally come crashing down on him. He can no longer shoulder the burden of trying to remain upbeat and happy through so much turmoil with his health and future.

The man has simply broke.

The wife walks around the side of the bed and approaches her sobbing husband. She puts a loving hand on the back of his shoulder.

“It’s OK Idiot… It will be OK….. what’s the matter? What’s bothering you so badly today?”

The Idiot is startled to find he is not alone.

He quickly sits up and hastily wipes the tears from his face.

“Uh…Nothing…I’m fine…sniffle sniffle….it’s just allergies…..I’m fine….”

The wife knows her idiot husband is lying through his teeth, but also knows that he never discusses his true feelings. Like everyone else on the planet, she will have to read his next blog post to find out what it truly bothering him.

“Alright then Mr. Stubborn….I just will get my papers and go back to work…. you can go back to bawling like toddler all by your lonesome…”

The idiot places his face back into his pillow and his low sniffles and sobs are quickly drowned out.

The wife gets her papers and heads back out into the house.

She freezes just feet outside the bedroom door.

As she was leaving, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that the bedroom TV was on…. yet she distinctly remembered hearing no sounds while she was in the room…

Her curiosity is peaked.

The Idiot had the TV muted!

She turns and heads back into the bedroom, stopping near the end of the bed.

Her idiot husband is blubbering something into the pillow….

It sounds like …

“I’ll never let go…I promise….I’ll never let go!!”

She glances back at the muted TV.

“Good Lord Idiot!!! Not again!!! For the love of God man!! Grow a spine and quit watching that damn movie every time they replay it on the satellite!!”

She throws up her hands and storms out of the room.

Yep, you guessed it, the idiot has fallen prey to watching a replay of “Titanic” for the umpteenth time…..and it still turns him into a spineless bowl of jelly whenever Rose lets go of Jack’s hand and lets his lifeless body slip into the icy water…

sniffle sniffle

Call me a romantic…

or do as she does, and just call me an Idiot.

————————————–

Today is the start of Physical Therapy. Happy Happy Joy Joy! Better yet, the therapy place I will be going to is right next door to a…..

Chinese buffet!

Thank you Lord!!

Five weeks with no Chinese Buffet…

Until today.

They can torture my foot all they want, cause I’m pigging out afterwards!

———————————————————————————–

I have been using Dr. Quack as the temporary fictional name of my Quack Surgeon in my book. I think I’ll just keep it at that name. A few of you have suggested a cartoon duck that could be illustrated and used in the book to portray the good Doc. This is a great idea! Anyone out there able to draw a good evil duck? Please let me know if you have any cartoon character drawing skills.

Time for yet the latest installment of

“As the Quack Turns“

Wednesday.

The Attorney Generals Office called me once again.

I have been searching all my files, but unfortunately, I do not have in my possession exactly what they are looking for.

No worry, my Lawyer will definitely have what they need, though he is deathly slow at responding to their requests for records.

As you know, the Quack is being investigated for massive Medicare Fraud. I was not a Medicare patient. So, what does this have to do with me?

I asked the Investigator what my case had to do with their investigation…

and I was told some interesting tidbits.

Apparently, this snake, who had been sued multiple times before and after my case, had always managed to drag things out to where he never actually had to give a sworn deposition. He would settle the cases or have them thrown out in court before he ever had to sit down and testify under oath.

That was his plan. Drag the cases out and hopefully never have to give a sworn deposition in which his lies would be exposed.

Apparently, my case was the first (and possibly ONLY) one in which he had actually been legally deposed on camera. To show you how he would drag things out, depositions in my case did not even start for over 6 YEARS after my surgery. 6 YEARS! Obviously, he was counting on my case being tossed out or settled before he would have to actually sit down and give a deposition.

Thanks to my Attorney, he could no longer stall, and he was ordered by the court to give a deposition in my case. By the time he finally sat in the hot seat, 7 years had passed since my injury.

It turns out, my case, in which we deposed him and caught him in lie after lie, while under oath, and on camera, could turn out to be very beneficial in proving the Government’s current case against him. If he was caught on camera testifying to illegal activity from a surgery in 1999, then the man has been a lying fraud ever since then.

The Investigator let me know that he would be in contact with me if I could be of any more service to them.

I told him that I was writing a book, much of which dealt with this nightmare, and he said he might be able to give me some “free” information for the book.

According to him, the affidavits for the search warrants served on the Quack are on file at the courthouse in Fort Worth and are a matter of public record. I just need to go down there, request them, and then can read all the intricate details of the allegations against him.

So, we know where I will be taking a field trip to sometime later this year!

Even if I never get called as a witness, I take great joy that there may indeed be a day, in his Federal Criminal Trial, where the Government Prosecutor stands up and then requests that the videotaped deposition in the case of Pakulak vs Quack be admitted into evidence!

I can just see him cringing in his seat as he hears MY name yet again. I have been like a virus that he has been unable to get rid of for nearly 13 years.

Who knows….

Maybe a few years from now, I’ll send him a complimentary AUTOGRAPHED copy of my book, for his reading enjoyment while he wastes away in his cell.

That would be totally awesome!

My Spinal Surgeon out for a walk with friends

Today’s regularly scheduled goofy post of utter and complete idiotic nonsense has been temporarily postponed so that I can briefly continue to bask in the joy of the misery of my beloved Spinal Surgeon.

I know that makes me sound like a petty and vengeful person, going directly against the way I was raised, and the way I have tried to live, but right now, it really lifts my spirits to know that this man is squirming like a worm on the end of a fish hook, and, as it turns out, I am one of the lucky souls who got to place his squirming butt on the hook!

As you know, the Attorney Generals office called me yesterday in regards to my fair spinal surgeon.

I hadn’t really thought about one aspect until I was talking to a friend later in the day.

The Authorities raided the offices of the Surgeon last spring based on allegations of massive Medicare and Medicaid Fraud against him.

Well, when I had my surgery in 1999, I had private insurance. I was not on Medicare or Medicaid.

The mystery deepens…

So, why are the authorities contacting me?

Maybe they did not actually find me through the records they had confiscated from the Doctor during their raid. Maybe they found me through a search of court records involving the Doctor.

Even though we settled, out of court, before ever going to trial, we still had to appear in front of a judge in District Court on multiple occasions, and while the evidence of my lawsuit might have been swept under the rug as far as the public is concerned, there are still court records to reflect my long battle with him.

I still don’t know what is entirely kosher to reveal at this point, but I can tell you that the Attorney General is looking for specific documents that I may have in my possession, documents that show the Doc to be the liar and fraud that he truly is. I am hastily digging through my mountain of records, looking for these documents, but have told the investigator that my lawyer will definitely have copies of what he needs.

There was a “smoking gun” type bombshell in his deposition for my lawsuit, a bombshell that we nailed him with that totally destroyed his credibility. But how did the Government find out? It is a great mystery.

I had to tell the Investigator that all my legal documents are kept in a huge bucket upstairs, and that lo and behold, I had just had a surgery last month directly related to the quack he is investigating, and that I am not yet able to climb any steps.

(The Daughter was able to drag the bucket down the stairs on Tuesday evening.)

So, it might take me a couple days, but I am now happily digging!!

The timing of this little adventure just has me blown away.

To be honest, I am in the midst of the absolute hardest chapters of the book at the moment. These are the chapters that deal with the nightmare of the lawsuit. I have just been writing about the Doctor’s depositions and all the lies and total incompetence that the depositions uncovered. It has been far from pleasant in dredging up all these bad memories up and then writing about them.

And then, like a gift from above, the phone rings and the Attorney General gives me this little boost, almost as if to remind me that, while I might be writing about a painful period at the moment, the authorities are still working hard to ensure that my book gets a great addendum to close out my story.

An addendum detailing the conviction and sentencing of my spinal surgeon.

What a great ending that will be.

So, while the quack had so much control over the misery of my life for so many years in the aftermath of my surgery, I feel now like I have a little control over HIS life. I obviously have information that may help, even in a small way, in locking him up in prison, hopefully for the rest of his life.

All us many victims that he crippled or defrauded are now getting a personal bit of justice over the quack.

What goes around, comes around.

He is now learning that. I’m sure the phones of all his other victims are also ringing, and the Government is slowly collecting more nails for the coffin of the case against him.

I already know what I am going to ask of Santa Claus this Christmas. He can keep all the gifts this year, because all I want is to be called as a witness at my Neurosurgeon’s Federal trial.

What a great gift that would be!

I’ll get a new suit for the occasion.

I only wear suits and ties at Weddings, Funerals, and Federal Criminal Trials….

That’s always been my rule of thumb…

My Spinal Surgeon waving Hello

What a great start to Tuesday.

I was awakened by the phone ringing.

It turned out to be the Texas Attorney General’s office.

It was an investigator, conducting an investigation into my quack spinal surgeon.

The FBI raided his offices last spring and hauled away all his files and computers.

Obviously, the authorities have now reached my file.

And boy am I ready to talk!

One thing I did NOT sign when I got my settlement, was a confidentiality agreement. I am free to sing like a bird!

I am elated to think I might be able to play a small part in the Government finally locking him away.

Great day!