Thursday.

Bridgeport, TX.

Earth.

It’s time to begin therapy on the new bionic foot.

I go to the Physical Therapy establishment for my initial evaluation.

The Therapy place is right next door to a new Chinese Buffet that my Dad and I will be assaulting once my evaluation is complete.

The two businesses share a common wall.

The reception area of the Therapy place must border the kitchen of the Chinese Buffet, as evidenced by the continuous muffled sounds of dogs barking and monkeys shrieking.

I check in at the front desk.

The gal hands me a mountain of paperwork to fill out.

The first 10 pages want me to detail my entire health history from the time I was born. I decide to get “creative” just to see if they actually read this stuff.

After 20 minutes of paperwork, the lead therapist comes to get me. She leads me back to an exam room and has me sit on a table as she pulls up a rolling chair and starts to pour through my paperwork.

“Mr. Packawack… What exactly led to the injury on your foot?…..it says VABFAB on here but I’m afraid that I don’t recognize that abbreviation…”

I tell her that this is the standard globally recognized abbreviation for “Violent Attack By Flightless Antarctic Bird”.

She looks up at me.

“Huh?”

I need to put it into layman’s terms for her.

“I was attacked by a Penguin“

“You were attacked by ….a penguin…..an actual penguin…..little cute guy in a tuxedo type of penguin?”

“Yes, though I wouldn’t say he was real cute….look at what he did to my foot!”

“And this happened where exactly?”

“San Antonio“

“You were attacked by a vicious penguin in San Antonio?”

“Yep…..at Sea World“

The girl rolled her eyes. Obviously she was dealing with a clearly deranged or severely psychotic idiot.

“Moving on Mr. Packawack….. Under your medical history, I notice a few more entries and abbreviations that I don’t recognize…. what is this “ATCOS” entry back in 2005?”

“That is ATROPHIED TESTICULAR CIRCULAR OBJECT SYNDROME“

“Huh?”

“In Layman’s terms it means shrunken Kahonies“

She rolls her eyes and moves on…

“And in 2007….you have marked down…SHC X2?”

“Yes Ma’am….. That is SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION…..TWO EPISODES“

“You spontaneously burst into flames….twice?”

“Yep“

“Alrighty…moving on…Under chronic conditions, you list CNPFUF…..what is that if I dare to ask?”

“Yes Ma’am….that’s CHRONIC NOCTURNAL POTENTIALLY FATAL UNCONTROLLED FLATULENCE“

“As in fatal to you?”

“No Ma’am….fatal to my wife….”

“Moving on…….under your medications, you list Coumadin, Neurontin, and FV (1W,1B,2BB Daily)… I don’t recognize the FV 1W 1B 2BB medication”

“Yes Maam…. that’s FLINTSTONES VITAMINS, 1 WILMA, 1 BARNEY, AND TWO BAM-BAM’S DAILY“

The gal sat motionless, mouth open.

Just then, another therapist, a guy who had treated me before, saw me and entered the room.

“Hey Mark! Wassssup!!! You’re not giving Michelle a hard time are ya? What has he told ya Michelle? Last year, he came in after supposedly being bitten by a rabid moth that he was sure was actually a vampire…. what goofy reason did he give you?

“Penguin Attack…”

The guy high-fived me.

“Penguin attack! Niiiiiicccccceeeee!”

Suddenly, the muffled dog barks from behind the wall stopped. That could only mean one thing, Fresh Kung Pao Shihtzu was soon to be carried to the buffet table. It was time for lunch! The therapist made me a schedule for therapy on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday for the next month, I retrieved my Dad, and off we shuffled to the Chinese place next door.

And yet another innocent therapist has been introduced to the warped world of the Idiot.

My wife and I’s lives as seen through the eyes of Hollywood.

May Hollywood have mercy on our souls…

“I don’t care how much you sweet talk me Idiot!….I am not putting on the Princess Leia costume again tonight!”

“Good grief Idiot!! Put the damn toilet seat down!! It’s like sharing a bathroom with with an epileptic gorilla!”

“Hurry Idiot!! They’re coming!!”

“Yes information, I need the number for 911 please…and hurry!!”

“Now look out there Idiot….there’s lots of people wearing that same goofy leotard you got on….no..it does not make you look like a girly man….”

“Idiot…”

“Yes Dear…”

“This usually works better without the Batman Underoos on….”

“Damnit Idiot!! I told you that you could get a Kitten!! not a damn monkey!!!”

“Really Idiot??? Did your mother not teach you how to brush your teeth? Good lord…did you eat a camel for lunch?”

“For the last time idiot!! Let go of my hand!! You are pulling me down into the water!!! let go!!”

(Wife screaming from out of frame) “Good grief Idiot!! I told you that I don’t like KC and the Sunshine Band!!! Quit blasting that crap!!”

“I’m leaving you Idiot!”

“Why my dear?”

“Pot scrubbies! You just can’t seem to learn to put the damn pot scrubbies back where they belong!”

“Ya know Mrs. Robinson, I know a good physical therapist that could improve that dorsiflexion for you..”

“Nope Idiot! You still missed it….that sucker is huge…how could you not see that? Do I need to get you new nosehair clippers for Christmas?”

The Idiot’s wife has to sneak home from work in order to retrieve some reports that had left sitting on her small table in the bedroom.

She comes in from the garage and finds the living room quiet and empty.

There is no sign of her idiot husband.

Obviously he is in the bedroom, lounging on the bed as usual, milking those pathetic Doctor’s orders for all their worth.

She quietly walks through the house and into the bedroom.

The idiot is face down on the bed, sobbing uncontrollably, with his face buried in his pillow.

He is unaware of her presence in the room.

The poor man seems to be having a major breakdown.

The wife feels guilty.

Obviously, the stress of her husband’s health issues have finally come crashing down on him. He can no longer shoulder the burden of trying to remain upbeat and happy through so much turmoil with his health and future.

The man has simply broke.

The wife walks around the side of the bed and approaches her sobbing husband. She puts a loving hand on the back of his shoulder.

“It’s OK Idiot… It will be OK….. what’s the matter? What’s bothering you so badly today?”

The Idiot is startled to find he is not alone.

He quickly sits up and hastily wipes the tears from his face.

“Uh…Nothing…I’m fine…sniffle sniffle….it’s just allergies…..I’m fine….”

The wife knows her idiot husband is lying through his teeth, but also knows that he never discusses his true feelings. Like everyone else on the planet, she will have to read his next blog post to find out what it truly bothering him.

“Alright then Mr. Stubborn….I just will get my papers and go back to work…. you can go back to bawling like toddler all by your lonesome…”

The idiot places his face back into his pillow and his low sniffles and sobs are quickly drowned out.

The wife gets her papers and heads back out into the house.

She freezes just feet outside the bedroom door.

As she was leaving, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that the bedroom TV was on…. yet she distinctly remembered hearing no sounds while she was in the room…

Her curiosity is peaked.

The Idiot had the TV muted!

She turns and heads back into the bedroom, stopping near the end of the bed.

Her idiot husband is blubbering something into the pillow….

It sounds like …

“I’ll never let go…I promise….I’ll never let go!!”

She glances back at the muted TV.

“Good Lord Idiot!!! Not again!!! For the love of God man!! Grow a spine and quit watching that damn movie every time they replay it on the satellite!!”

She throws up her hands and storms out of the room.

Yep, you guessed it, the idiot has fallen prey to watching a replay of “Titanic” for the umpteenth time…..and it still turns him into a spineless bowl of jelly whenever Rose lets go of Jack’s hand and lets his lifeless body slip into the icy water…

sniffle sniffle

Call me a romantic…

or do as she does, and just call me an Idiot.

————————————–

Today is the start of Physical Therapy. Happy Happy Joy Joy! Better yet, the therapy place I will be going to is right next door to a…..

Chinese buffet!

Thank you Lord!!

Five weeks with no Chinese Buffet…

Until today.

They can torture my foot all they want, cause I’m pigging out afterwards!

———————————————————————————–

I have been using Dr. Quack as the temporary fictional name of my Quack Surgeon in my book. I think I’ll just keep it at that name. A few of you have suggested a cartoon duck that could be illustrated and used in the book to portray the good Doc. This is a great idea! Anyone out there able to draw a good evil duck? Please let me know if you have any cartoon character drawing skills.

Time for yet the latest installment of

“As the Quack Turns“

Wednesday.

The Attorney Generals Office called me once again.

I have been searching all my files, but unfortunately, I do not have in my possession exactly what they are looking for.

No worry, my Lawyer will definitely have what they need, though he is deathly slow at responding to their requests for records.

As you know, the Quack is being investigated for massive Medicare Fraud. I was not a Medicare patient. So, what does this have to do with me?

I asked the Investigator what my case had to do with their investigation…

and I was told some interesting tidbits.

Apparently, this snake, who had been sued multiple times before and after my case, had always managed to drag things out to where he never actually had to give a sworn deposition. He would settle the cases or have them thrown out in court before he ever had to sit down and testify under oath.

That was his plan. Drag the cases out and hopefully never have to give a sworn deposition in which his lies would be exposed.

Apparently, my case was the first (and possibly ONLY) one in which he had actually been legally deposed on camera. To show you how he would drag things out, depositions in my case did not even start for over 6 YEARS after my surgery. 6 YEARS! Obviously, he was counting on my case being tossed out or settled before he would have to actually sit down and give a deposition.

Thanks to my Attorney, he could no longer stall, and he was ordered by the court to give a deposition in my case. By the time he finally sat in the hot seat, 7 years had passed since my injury.

It turns out, my case, in which we deposed him and caught him in lie after lie, while under oath, and on camera, could turn out to be very beneficial in proving the Government’s current case against him. If he was caught on camera testifying to illegal activity from a surgery in 1999, then the man has been a lying fraud ever since then.

The Investigator let me know that he would be in contact with me if I could be of any more service to them.

I told him that I was writing a book, much of which dealt with this nightmare, and he said he might be able to give me some “free” information for the book.

According to him, the affidavits for the search warrants served on the Quack are on file at the courthouse in Fort Worth and are a matter of public record. I just need to go down there, request them, and then can read all the intricate details of the allegations against him.

So, we know where I will be taking a field trip to sometime later this year!

Even if I never get called as a witness, I take great joy that there may indeed be a day, in his Federal Criminal Trial, where the Government Prosecutor stands up and then requests that the videotaped deposition in the case of Pakulak vs Quack be admitted into evidence!

I can just see him cringing in his seat as he hears MY name yet again. I have been like a virus that he has been unable to get rid of for nearly 13 years.

Who knows….

Maybe a few years from now, I’ll send him a complimentary AUTOGRAPHED copy of my book, for his reading enjoyment while he wastes away in his cell.

That would be totally awesome!

My Spinal Surgeon out for a walk with friends

Today’s regularly scheduled goofy post of utter and complete idiotic nonsense has been temporarily postponed so that I can briefly continue to bask in the joy of the misery of my beloved Spinal Surgeon.

I know that makes me sound like a petty and vengeful person, going directly against the way I was raised, and the way I have tried to live, but right now, it really lifts my spirits to know that this man is squirming like a worm on the end of a fish hook, and, as it turns out, I am one of the lucky souls who got to place his squirming butt on the hook!

As you know, the Attorney Generals office called me yesterday in regards to my fair spinal surgeon.

I hadn’t really thought about one aspect until I was talking to a friend later in the day.

The Authorities raided the offices of the Surgeon last spring based on allegations of massive Medicare and Medicaid Fraud against him.

Well, when I had my surgery in 1999, I had private insurance. I was not on Medicare or Medicaid.

The mystery deepens…

So, why are the authorities contacting me?

Maybe they did not actually find me through the records they had confiscated from the Doctor during their raid. Maybe they found me through a search of court records involving the Doctor.

Even though we settled, out of court, before ever going to trial, we still had to appear in front of a judge in District Court on multiple occasions, and while the evidence of my lawsuit might have been swept under the rug as far as the public is concerned, there are still court records to reflect my long battle with him.

I still don’t know what is entirely kosher to reveal at this point, but I can tell you that the Attorney General is looking for specific documents that I may have in my possession, documents that show the Doc to be the liar and fraud that he truly is. I am hastily digging through my mountain of records, looking for these documents, but have told the investigator that my lawyer will definitely have copies of what he needs.

There was a “smoking gun” type bombshell in his deposition for my lawsuit, a bombshell that we nailed him with that totally destroyed his credibility. But how did the Government find out? It is a great mystery.

I had to tell the Investigator that all my legal documents are kept in a huge bucket upstairs, and that lo and behold, I had just had a surgery last month directly related to the quack he is investigating, and that I am not yet able to climb any steps.

(The Daughter was able to drag the bucket down the stairs on Tuesday evening.)

So, it might take me a couple days, but I am now happily digging!!

The timing of this little adventure just has me blown away.

To be honest, I am in the midst of the absolute hardest chapters of the book at the moment. These are the chapters that deal with the nightmare of the lawsuit. I have just been writing about the Doctor’s depositions and all the lies and total incompetence that the depositions uncovered. It has been far from pleasant in dredging up all these bad memories up and then writing about them.

And then, like a gift from above, the phone rings and the Attorney General gives me this little boost, almost as if to remind me that, while I might be writing about a painful period at the moment, the authorities are still working hard to ensure that my book gets a great addendum to close out my story.

An addendum detailing the conviction and sentencing of my spinal surgeon.

What a great ending that will be.

So, while the quack had so much control over the misery of my life for so many years in the aftermath of my surgery, I feel now like I have a little control over HIS life. I obviously have information that may help, even in a small way, in locking him up in prison, hopefully for the rest of his life.

All us many victims that he crippled or defrauded are now getting a personal bit of justice over the quack.

What goes around, comes around.

He is now learning that. I’m sure the phones of all his other victims are also ringing, and the Government is slowly collecting more nails for the coffin of the case against him.

I already know what I am going to ask of Santa Claus this Christmas. He can keep all the gifts this year, because all I want is to be called as a witness at my Neurosurgeon’s Federal trial.

What a great gift that would be!

I’ll get a new suit for the occasion.

I only wear suits and ties at Weddings, Funerals, and Federal Criminal Trials….

That’s always been my rule of thumb…

My Spinal Surgeon waving Hello

What a great start to Tuesday.

I was awakened by the phone ringing.

It turned out to be the Texas Attorney General’s office.

It was an investigator, conducting an investigation into my quack spinal surgeon.

The FBI raided his offices last spring and hauled away all his files and computers.

Obviously, the authorities have now reached my file.

And boy am I ready to talk!

One thing I did NOT sign when I got my settlement, was a confidentiality agreement. I am free to sing like a bird!

I am elated to think I might be able to play a small part in the Government finally locking him away.

Great day!

**Although we have been experiencing balmy and warm here in North Texas this winter, I know that many of you are finally feeling the cold effects of the season. As such, I would like to flashback to a post from May of 2006 that will warm you up and help you to think of warmer, happier times to come this summer. No need to thank me, I’m just glad to help**

The Idiot’s day at the Pool

After deciding to come out of my depressive hibernation, and being that the thermometer is now nearing 100 degrees (F) on a daily basis, I decided to take the family and head to the City Swimming Pool for a cool afternoon dip.

When we arrived at the parking lot, the kids quickly made fast escapes from the still-moving car, quickly followed by the little wife yelling at the two children to “slow the Hell down…or else!”.

I parked the vehicle, followed the sound of the hysterical cursing, and entered the pool area.

Clad in a full-length, Terrycloth bathrobe that I had permanently “borrowed” from a national Hotel Chain, and wearing a cute little pair of “Bob the Builder” flip-flops that were broken, (they only go “flop..flop..flop”…the flip is broken), I made quite a site wandering amongst all the hundreds of fried-red teenagers, little children, and bewildered housewives who had their noses buried deep in their books, oblivious to their youngsters drowning a mere 10 feet away, right under the watchful, yet diverted, eyes of the adolescent lifeguards who were busily eyeing each other’s tanned bodies and not the bodies of the myriad of people in the pool. (Wow! What a sentence! I have a cramp in my hand now….)

So, I waddle and limp my way through the masses, drawing curious stares from most people, a look on their faces that say “Who let the obese polar bear in?” as I move towards an empty chair in the back of the pool area. (flop flop flop)

I scan the thousand or so young heads bobbing in the water amongst the bodies of those poor unfortunates that had drowned hours earlier, and I notice my two young offspring, expending a lot of energy in not looking my direction so that they can pretend they don’t know me.

The wife has already taken up residence on her favorite lounger and has her head buried deep into her current bit of non-fiction reading, “The Idiot Wife’s guide on How to kill your husband, keep the Life Insurance Money, and not go to prison”.

I reach my lounger, a broken down rusty old relic that only has three legs remaining, but I do not fret over this small annoyance, for I am not here to lay and grow more cancerous growths on my wrinkled, corpse-white skin…..I am here to swim!

And swim I shall do!

I casually kick off the Bob the Builders and begin reaching for the drawstring of the Terrycloth robe.

My wife rolls away to face the opposite direction, knowing the horrors that are about to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public.

I motion towards the snack bar, to the young man who operates the CD player that is providing the entire pool area with the blaring loud music we are all enjoying. I give the young man the familiar “thumbs up” signal and suddenly the “Eminem” rap music comes to a screeching halt and there is momentary silence in the pool area.

All activity and drownings come to a momentary halt and all eyes scan the pool area in confusion. Suddenly the pool area is again blasting to ear-poppingly loud music. The opening chords of the 80′s dance classic “Relax” by Frankie goes to Hollywood starts blasting across the pool.

I reach for the robe. My achy, breaky 41-yr old arthritic hips start rocking back and forth to the beat of the music.

All eyes begin to glance towards the obese Polar Bear wearing the borrowed Motel 6 robe. I grab each side of the robe and with the grace of a 260lb swan, I fling the robe open and it falls with a “thud” to the concrete beneath me.

“Relax….don’t do it…..Relax!….don’t do it…..” blares over the speakers.

Everyone within 100 feet instinctively raises their hands to shield their eyes from the blinding glare.

Kids start to cry.

Blocks away, dogs start to bark.

The “Michelin Tire Man” has been unleashed!

It is not a pretty sight.

This lubed and oiled whale of a body has been kept indoors and covered up for nearly 8 months. The skin that has now been unveiled for all to see, is whiter than white. An Albino corpse, dead for a month, floating in a vat of white paint, would seem downright dark compared the whiteness that I now proudly display.

Not only am I well oiled and lubed, since it is now blazing hot outside, I am already dripping with sweat and am quickly creating a dripping, waterfall of liquids pouring off of my shorts and body that to most observers, would appear that I am, in fact, wetting myself and have lost all control of my bladder region.

My greasy, blubbery body glistens in the hot sun. My breasts, which are bigger than most women’s of comparable age, bob gingerly in the wind.

More shrieks and screams are heard as people’s eyes adjust to the glare and their eyes began to cast downward on my body to the tiny little bit of blue elastic, barely bigger than a band-aid, that is encircling the “Twig and berries and buttockular region”………my trusty Speedo! Yes, my SPEEDO!

Ahhhh……The Speedo…..

A wonderful little invention of Nordic Genius that proudly allows us older, fatter, out-of-shape old guys the pleasure of subjecting total strangers to the disgusting sight of flabs, folds, bulges, and cracks, all where they shouldn’t be, on the human body.

The music now changes from “Relax” to the more upbeat dance classic “Macho Man” by the Village People.

I grab the tube of sunscreen laying on the broken lounger near me and squirt a huge, steaming glob of SPF30 into my hand. By now there is mass panic in the pool as people struggle and fight to get out of the water, a scene of utter chaos not seen since the shark in “Jaws” cleared the beach in a matter of seconds.

I begin to rub the gooey sunscreen deep into my whitened, jiggly, flabby skin. My stomach jiggles and bounces such that my belly button is distorted into looking like a giant, White “Mr. Potato Head” screaming for help…..

The tiny little blue Speedo, creaks and groans, as folds and bulges all struggle to break free. The sweat continues to pour out from beneath me and is now snaking it’s way across the pavement towards the edge of the pool, just a mere few feet away.

“MACHO MACHO MAN……I WANT TO BE..A MACHO MAN…..MACHO MACHO MAN……” the music continues to blare as I now jiggle and shake in rhythm with the beat. I now begin to waddle and drip towards the edge of the pool.

The last few stragglers are just pulling themselves clear of the water when I launch myself into the air and pull into a tight “Cannonball” tuck just before hitting the water with such force that half of the pools water is launched in the sky and drenches everyone and everything within a three block radius of the city pool.

I surface in the center of the pool in about 3 feet of water, which used to be 6 feet of water just seconds before, and I wipe the chlorinated water from my eyes. I scan the pool area. Not another soul is in the water. Those that have not fled for the parking lot are all wimpering and crying, just thanking the Heavens that they were still alive and had not drowned.

My kids cower in the corner of the pool area, trying to hide their embarassed little faces and pretending not to know me. I gently lay back and begin to float on my back, staring up at the beautiful blue sky above me, and I give thanks for being of such large stature and for the genius of the invention of the trusty Speedo.

For I now have the unique ability to go to any public pool, lake, or Ocean and can clear the place out and have the water all to myself within seconds! I don’t worry about crowds at the pool like you body-fat challenged, emaciated little twigs. When I go out to swim, there are no crowds!

**Update. If if any of you blog friends that I visit in person over the course of each summer would like me to empty your neighborhood pools so that YOU may swim in peace and quiet, just let me know. I still have the trust Speedo, and given the fact that I have since grown in size since this post was written, the Speedo should be that much more effective now ***

With my little health issue with the leg, I was unable to take D’Aun out anywhere for her Birthday on Sunday. Some of her friends did take her out to a movie Sunday afternoon, and then we had family come down Sunday Evening for cake, so she ended up having a pretty good day.

Sunday evening, we were waiting for my parents to arrive to that we would have cake and I was doing my usual routine of laying on the bed, doing absolutely nothing useful.

A few minutes later, I heard the sounds of the parents coming in through the front door.

It was time to unveil my little birthday surprise!

I was just getting up out of the bed when the first screams of “Hey Idiot!! It’s time for cake!!! Shuffle your butt out here!!” started bellowing throughout the house.

It took me a minute or two to get to the doorway of the Master Bedroom, which leads directly out into the living room.

“Come on Idiot!! We’re waiting!!! We want cake!!!”

I paused in the doorway of my bedroom and called out…

“OK Everyone….I want you to all freeze what you are doing and I want you to cast your attention into the living room!! I have a surprise for our birthday girl!!”

(D’Aun peered around the corner from the dining room, briefly hoping that she was going to catch a glimpse of a new car in the middle of the living room….)

Still standing in the bedroom doorway, I reached across a dresser and clicked on our CD Player, which had already been pre-loaded with just the right music for my surprise.

As “You should be Dancing” by the Bee Gees blasted through the house, I slowly shuffled out of the bedroom, and into the living room, using only a cane…

No walker, no crutches, and no boot…

For the first time in 5 weeks.

I was walking on my own two feet.

The family looked on in stunned silence with smiles of joy on their faces.

I got to the center of the living room, stopped, and then threw my hands up in the air. “Happy Birthday D’Aun!”

The family was now happily high-fiving each other and were laughing and talking amongst themselves. The Idiot was now walking!

And little did anyone notice that I had actually dropped my cane onto the floor in the process of throwing my hands up in the air.

There I stood, frozen in place.

Right on cue, “You should be Dancing” ended and the next song, “Tragedy” came on and started blaring through the house.

My Wife glanced my way.

“Come on Idiot….come over here so we can start in on the cake”

I just smiled back.

“Uh…that’s OK….I’m good….I’ll just stand here for a minute or two…”

The wife started cutting into her cake.

“I really appreciate this little surprise Idiot….but it really is too soon for you to totally ditch the walker and the crutches…..you just need to eat a piece of cake and then you need to get your butt back on the bed!”

Still frozen in place, unable to move, with my cane, my only means of balance and support laying on the floor, I just smiled back…

“Okey Dokey Honey! Will do!”

The wife was on her third bite of cake when the light bulb went off in her head.

She turned her attention back towards me.

She started laughing out loud.

The rest of the family asked her what was so funny.

She pointed towards me.

“I see it now! Look!! The idiot dropped his cane and now he can’t move! He doesn’t have the balance to be able to pick it up, can’t turn around, and can’t even move…..he’s stuck standing there!!”

My Mother yelled across the room.

“Marky Dear…..did you drop your stick? Do you need your Father to come carry you back to your bed?”

“NO MOTHER!!!! I’m fine!!!! Really!!!! This is all part of my plan!!! Stay where you are!! All of you!!!”

The wife passed around instructions for everyone to move into the living room so that everyone could be seated in comfort while they all watched the rest of my plan unfold.

Soon, I was standing in the center of the room with my whole family seated and happily eating cake all around me.

They all happily ate and chatted…

And I just stood there…..trying to process exactly how I was going to make a graceful exit out of this mess that I had gotten myself into.

And there I stood.

The football game on the TV ended.

The cake was devoured.

My wife opened a few presents.

Laughter and joy had filled the house for well over an hour.

The parents left.

The daughter retreated upstairs.

The kid went off to his room.

and the wife went off to soak in a hot bath.

As I stood in the middle of the living room floor, whispering instructions to one of our idiot cats…

“No Lulu!! Grab it with BOTH paws!!! Good girl!! Now lift it up!!! Quit your griping ya goofy cat..I know you don’t have thumbs and it’s hard to grab…but you’re doing a good job!! good kitty!”

And with that…

The wife ended her birthday, happily soaking in a hot tub, in peace and quiet, as her idiot husband stood in the other area of the house, trying to be the first idiot in history to successfully teach a cat how to pick a cane up off the floor, without the benefit of opposable thumbs.

As “Lonely Days” by the Bee Gees played on the CD Player.

Just a typical day in our household.

**And yes, I am just using a cane now**

**The blog has now passed the 1.9 Million mark…. Time to start the countdown to 2 Million views… You readers who guessed mid to late February can start nervously watching the viewcount grow. Good Luck! **

A little story that I like to revisit each time this year…

It was June of 1990. I was working in an office for Continental Airlines in Houston. I was sitting at my desk one night when a training class of new hires walked past. In that line of men and women, there was a young gal that immediately caught my eye.

The next night, the group again walked past my desk, and I saw her again. I saw them go off into the training room nearby. It just so happened that the trainer responsible for that class was one of my best friends. On my next break, I made a point to go visit my friend in the training room. I sat down next to my friend at the desk at the head of the room. The new hires were doing a test and were handing them in as they finished.

That girl who had caught my eye was seated not too far away. I had no clue what her name was, and knew nothing about her.

I asked my friend if I could help her grade papers. She happily agreed. I would grab a paper, start grading it, and then would read the students name aloud, asking my friend who that particular student was.

What an ingenious plan for an idiot!

I finally got to another paper, graded it, and then completely butchered the pronunciation of the girl’s name.

My friend smiled. “Oh…that’s D’Aun…she’s my best student…. you would just love her….she is just the cutest thing”

She pointed towards “D’Aun”.

Bingo! That was the girl! I now knew her name.

I sheepishly asked my friend if she knew if this girl was single.

The friend indicated that she was pretty sure she was.

My friend could sense that I was sitting all glassy-eyed, staring at this gal across the room, so my friend asked if I wanted to meet this girl…

I did what every idiot does in that situation, I froze up…

“Uh…uh…uh…uh…uh…uh…”

My break was over. I dashed out of the room and back to my desk.

About an hour went by. I was on the phone, when I noticed a large shadow beside my desk. I turned my head. There stood my friend……and the pretty gal I had spied in the training room.

I smiled and finished my call.

My friend grinned. “Bubba..(my nickname at the time)….this is D’Aun….D’Aun….this is Bubba…..enjoy!”

And with that, my dear friend walked away and left D’Aun standing beside my desk.

We had a nervous laugh about what an awkward moment this was, I let her know that my name was actually Mark, and then I nervously asked her out.

A few days later, we were flying down a Houston freeway on our way to a Theme Park for our first date. At 75mph in heavy traffic, I dropped the bombshell that I was recently divorced and had two children that lived in Indiana.

To my relief, she did not fling open the door and throw herself out of the moving vehicle, and, once we came to a stop in the parking lot of the theme park, she did not make a mad dash for freedom.

We made quite a pair. She will kill me for revealing this, but when we met, she was 5 feet even and weighed all of 87lbs. She was tiny. I was 6’2″ and weighed about 220lbs. We were quite the sight walking hand in hand in public.

Working for an airline had it’s benefits.

Within weeks after we started dating, we had flown off to New Orleans for the day on a date. The next week, we decided to take a quick trip to San Francisco. We flew to Reno, Atlanta, and back to New Orleans.

A little over 2 months after we first met, I asked her to marry me. She said yes.

Our families were shocked. We had barely been dating but a few months, and I was just coming off a failed marriage.

But I knew.

I would never find another woman like this on the planet.

She has been the best thing to ever happen in my life. Trust me, I am a handful to live with. Yes, I can be just as much of an idiot in real life, as the idiot I portray myself to be on this blog. Obviously, when we met, I was perfectly healthy. D’Aun would have no idea of the health nightmares that I would soon be facing after our marriage. She has stuck by my side all these years without wavering one bit.

Like I have hinted many times before on the blog, she is nothing like what I characterize her to be. She is not a yeller and a screamer, does not beat me, and is not secretly trying to kill me for my Life Insurance money. She is quiet, sweet, honest, has a great sense of humor, is very spiritual, and loves God and her family more than anything in the world.

Today is D’Aun’s birthday. She is one that does not handle birthdays well. To me, She is still the same cute and beautiful little gal I first spotted nearly 22 years ago.

Happy Birthday D’Aun!

I love you more than you will ever know.

Most of my family probably privately thought I was crazy for attempting to go to the Kid’s basketball game on Friday evening.

I know the Doctor would have probably frowned upon me venturing out only two days after he cleared me to gradually start walking by putting small amounts of weight on the foot.

It turned out to be a good news/bad news night out on the town.

First, the bad news..

The Kid had to be at the school one hour prior to the game. Factor in the drive to town, getting there an hour early, the hour-plus that it took to play the game, the half-hour wait for the kid to come out of the locker room, and then the drive home, I ended up being up for three and a half hours straight….about 2.5 hours longer than any previous stretch in the past month. Sitting up seems to be the worst on the foot, pain wise… After an hour, the foot gets real discolored and gets real uncomfortable.

The verdict: I was hurting pretty good by the time I finally got home and logic dictates that I should not have attempted this outing so early in my rehab.

But, in the spirit of “All things happen for a reason”….

I was MEANT to be at that game..

Tyler had the best basketball game of his life!

Just three days earlier, my family had been telling me that Tyler’s game this past Tuesday was the best game he had ever played, and I had missed it, just like I have missed all his games for the past month.

Earlier in the season, Tyler barely got to play in most games and went many games in a row without scoring.

And on Friday night, with me sitting in the first row of the bleachers, he went out and made the Tuesday game look like childs play.

He finished with 10 points for the game, not alot, but on the other hand, most of the freshmen games are pretty low scoring. Most impressive was the fact that our boys were down by 5 points in the final period, and then Tyler scored three baskets in a row to put his team up by 1 point.

The other team called a timeout, as all our fans and parents were yelling like crazy, and all Tyler’s teammates were slapping him on the back and high-fiving him.

It was one of the greatest sights I have seen in my life.

Given his lifelong physical issues, my son has always struggled with self-esteem problems. I would bet that Friday Night allowed Tyler to make the biggest jump in his self-esteem that he has had in his entire life.

After the game, multiple parents came up to us raving about how well Tyler had played.

In the locker room, his teammates voted him the MVP of the game, which we did hold on to win by 6 points over a Fort Worth High School.

It was one of the true feel good moments of his young life.

And I was there to see it.

Because I was meant to be there.

All the discomfort in my foot that I now have, was well worth it.

Way to go Tyler!