
**Although we have been experiencing balmy and warm here in North Texas this winter, I know that many of you are finally feeling the cold effects of the season. As such, I would like to flashback to a post from May of 2006 that will warm you up and help you to think of warmer, happier times to come this summer. No need to thank me, I’m just glad to help**
The Idiot’s day at the Pool
After deciding to come out of my depressive hibernation, and being that the thermometer is now nearing 100 degrees (F) on a daily basis, I decided to take the family and head to the City Swimming Pool for a cool afternoon dip.
When we arrived at the parking lot, the kids quickly made fast escapes from the still-moving car, quickly followed by the little wife yelling at the two children to “slow the Hell down…or else!”.
I parked the vehicle, followed the sound of the hysterical cursing, and entered the pool area.
Clad in a full-length, Terrycloth bathrobe that I had permanently “borrowed” from a national Hotel Chain, and wearing a cute little pair of “Bob the Builder” flip-flops that were broken, (they only go “flop..flop..flop”…the flip is broken), I made quite a site wandering amongst all the hundreds of fried-red teenagers, little children, and bewildered housewives who had their noses buried deep in their books, oblivious to their youngsters drowning a mere 10 feet away, right under the watchful, yet diverted, eyes of the adolescent lifeguards who were busily eyeing each other’s tanned bodies and not the bodies of the myriad of people in the pool. (Wow! What a sentence! I have a cramp in my hand now….)
So, I waddle and limp my way through the masses, drawing curious stares from most people, a look on their faces that say “Who let the obese polar bear in?” as I move towards an empty chair in the back of the pool area. (flop flop flop)
I scan the thousand or so young heads bobbing in the water amongst the bodies of those poor unfortunates that had drowned hours earlier, and I notice my two young offspring, expending a lot of energy in not looking my direction so that they can pretend they don’t know me.
The wife has already taken up residence on her favorite lounger and has her head buried deep into her current bit of non-fiction reading, “The Idiot Wife’s guide on How to kill your husband, keep the Life Insurance Money, and not go to prison”.
I reach my lounger, a broken down rusty old relic that only has three legs remaining, but I do not fret over this small annoyance, for I am not here to lay and grow more cancerous growths on my wrinkled, corpse-white skin…..I am here to swim!
And swim I shall do!
I casually kick off the Bob the Builders and begin reaching for the drawstring of the Terrycloth robe.
My wife rolls away to face the opposite direction, knowing the horrors that are about to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public.
I motion towards the snack bar, to the young man who operates the CD player that is providing the entire pool area with the blaring loud music we are all enjoying. I give the young man the familiar “thumbs up” signal and suddenly the “Eminem” rap music comes to a screeching halt and there is momentary silence in the pool area.
All activity and drownings come to a momentary halt and all eyes scan the pool area in confusion. Suddenly the pool area is again blasting to ear-poppingly loud music. The opening chords of the 80′s dance classic “Relax” by Frankie goes to Hollywood starts blasting across the pool.
I reach for the robe. My achy, breaky 41-yr old arthritic hips start rocking back and forth to the beat of the music.
All eyes begin to glance towards the obese Polar Bear wearing the borrowed Motel 6 robe. I grab each side of the robe and with the grace of a 260lb swan, I fling the robe open and it falls with a “thud” to the concrete beneath me.
“Relax….don’t do it…..Relax!….don’t do it…..” blares over the speakers.
Everyone within 100 feet instinctively raises their hands to shield their eyes from the blinding glare.
Kids start to cry.
Blocks away, dogs start to bark.
The “Michelin Tire Man” has been unleashed!
It is not a pretty sight.
This lubed and oiled whale of a body has been kept indoors and covered up for nearly 8 months. The skin that has now been unveiled for all to see, is whiter than white. An Albino corpse, dead for a month, floating in a vat of white paint, would seem downright dark compared the whiteness that I now proudly display.
Not only am I well oiled and lubed, since it is now blazing hot outside, I am already dripping with sweat and am quickly creating a dripping, waterfall of liquids pouring off of my shorts and body that to most observers, would appear that I am, in fact, wetting myself and have lost all control of my bladder region.
My greasy, blubbery body glistens in the hot sun. My breasts, which are bigger than most women’s of comparable age, bob gingerly in the wind.
More shrieks and screams are heard as people’s eyes adjust to the glare and their eyes began to cast downward on my body to the tiny little bit of blue elastic, barely bigger than a band-aid, that is encircling the “Twig and berries and buttockular region”………my trusty Speedo! Yes, my SPEEDO!
Ahhhh……The Speedo…..
A wonderful little invention of Nordic Genius that proudly allows us older, fatter, out-of-shape old guys the pleasure of subjecting total strangers to the disgusting sight of flabs, folds, bulges, and cracks, all where they shouldn’t be, on the human body.
The music now changes from “Relax” to the more upbeat dance classic “Macho Man” by the Village People.
I grab the tube of sunscreen laying on the broken lounger near me and squirt a huge, steaming glob of SPF30 into my hand. By now there is mass panic in the pool as people struggle and fight to get out of the water, a scene of utter chaos not seen since the shark in “Jaws” cleared the beach in a matter of seconds.
I begin to rub the gooey sunscreen deep into my whitened, jiggly, flabby skin. My stomach jiggles and bounces such that my belly button is distorted into looking like a giant, White “Mr. Potato Head” screaming for help…..
The tiny little blue Speedo, creaks and groans, as folds and bulges all struggle to break free. The sweat continues to pour out from beneath me and is now snaking it’s way across the pavement towards the edge of the pool, just a mere few feet away.
“MACHO MACHO MAN……I WANT TO BE..A MACHO MAN…..MACHO MACHO MAN……” the music continues to blare as I now jiggle and shake in rhythm with the beat. I now begin to waddle and drip towards the edge of the pool.
The last few stragglers are just pulling themselves clear of the water when I launch myself into the air and pull into a tight “Cannonball” tuck just before hitting the water with such force that half of the pools water is launched in the sky and drenches everyone and everything within a three block radius of the city pool.
I surface in the center of the pool in about 3 feet of water, which used to be 6 feet of water just seconds before, and I wipe the chlorinated water from my eyes. I scan the pool area. Not another soul is in the water. Those that have not fled for the parking lot are all wimpering and crying, just thanking the Heavens that they were still alive and had not drowned.
My kids cower in the corner of the pool area, trying to hide their embarassed little faces and pretending not to know me. I gently lay back and begin to float on my back, staring up at the beautiful blue sky above me, and I give thanks for being of such large stature and for the genius of the invention of the trusty Speedo.
For I now have the unique ability to go to any public pool, lake, or Ocean and can clear the place out and have the water all to myself within seconds! I don’t worry about crowds at the pool like you body-fat challenged, emaciated little twigs. When I go out to swim, there are no crowds!
**Update. If if any of you blog friends that I visit in person over the course of each summer would like me to empty your neighborhood pools so that YOU may swim in peace and quiet, just let me know. I still have the trust Speedo, and given the fact that I have since grown in size since this post was written, the Speedo should be that much more effective now ***