I am sure a number of you look like the dude pictured above this morning. I am not one of them. I am one of those old farts that had to fight Mother Nature to try to stay awake till midnight, barely made it, then fell asleep at about 12:04am…..

My wife and I had planned to go out, have a nice dinner, do a little shopping with our gift cards, see a grown-up movie since we were free from the kid for the evening, and actually try to have a great New Years Eve…

Of course, the wife woke up sicker than a dog yesterday, was pale as a ghost, could not breath, was coughing up blood, had fever, chills, and uncontrollable tremors…….But since we had roped the Grandparents into babysitting….we HAD to go out no matter what……

What does a couple in their early to mid-40’s do on a wild New Years Eve when not constrained by having the kid with them?

Dinner at Cracker Barrel and shopping at Wal-Mart baby! Yeah!!!! We actually started out at KOHLS but the wife was too sick to find anything she wanted so we went to a Pharmacy. While she was in the Pharmacy, Mark Teixeira, Star first-Baseman of the New York Yankees, who just signed a contract to play for $23 MILLION dollars a year, walked right past me. (He lives in the city where the Pharmacy was located) I watched him get into a black, two-seat Mercedes and drive away, wondering, Why does a guy who makes $23 MILLION dollars a year drive himself to a pharmacy on New Years Eve? Shouldn’t he have his Butler or Maid run his errands for him? If I made that kind of money, I would never get out of bed. I would have my servants bring everything to me. (My wife will tell you that I am already like that….) This turned out to he the highlight of the evening….

Now drugged up, I dragged the wife over to a nearby mall where she could spend some of her Christmas Money. We walked the entire mall, saw about 10 stores that were going out of business, and she did end up buying 5 pairs of pants for $20 at one of those stores that was going under. One curious thing about women. She picks up a pair of pants, I believe a size 8, whatever the HELL that means…. She unfolds the pants, holds them up against herself, ponders for 23 minutes on whether they will actually fit, folds them back up, and then hands the pants to me. She then grabs the SAME SIZE of pants, made by the same company, the same style, but just a different color….and does the same routine. After holding up the pants to herself, arguing about whether they will fit, etc. etc. she then hands pair #2 to me to hold. This goes on for 5 different colors! I am a guy and a Idiot. Am I missing something? Does the color of a pair of Women’s pants affect the fit? If she thought that pair #1 would fit, why would there be any questions about the other 4 pair? Please explain this, it still hurts my head. I guy needs pants, he finds his size, grabs the first pair off the rack, tosses them into the cart, and is done with it. Any guy seen unfolding a pair of pants and holding them up to his body would be shot dead by the other guys in the store. Men don’t even try clothes on. I have not been in a changing room since 1975. But anyway, now it was time to go have a memorable New Years Eve dinner….as memorable as you could get at a shopping mall with a sick wife……We went to CRACKER BARREL! (OOOOHHHHH AAAAAAHHHHH)

After Cracker Barrel, we broke the Cardinal Sin of parents out on the town without the kid…..we went to Wal-Mart! Please shoot us! All alone, without a kid, on a festive evening….and we ended up back at the damn Wal-Mart!! Our lives are truly over!

Going to a movie was out. The wife, now fully fed, in front of warm air from the car heater, and hopped up on Benadryl and Sudafed, would have been asleep before the coming attractions ended if we attempted to see a movie.

We made it home by 9pm, picked up the kid from the Grandparents house, and ended up sitting on our couch watching “Kung Fu Panda” with our son. After the movie, we all struggled to stay awake till midnight, barely made it, and then all crashed right after the New Year. That was the fun and excitement in our home. I hope ya’ll had a memorable time. I hope you all have a great New Year. With as rough as this past year was on the Country and on the Economy, things can only get better this next year.

Well, I gotta go for now. The local police have called us down the marina here on our lake. Apparently, some boaters found a small rectangular plastic board floating in the lake a few miles from our home. The Police suspect it may be our missing Wii Fit Balance board. I have to go down and try to identify him. What a sad way to start the new year……