Anyone besides me willing to pay to see a Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston no-holds barred, fight to the death cage match? Personally, I think she would probably kick his butt.
I feel sorry for Bristol’s poor baby that will grow up and get to look back and read and watch all the mud that Grandma and Daddy were constantly flinging at each other.

Word here in Texas that thousands of Prison Inmates will be getting Swine Flu vaccines before many members of the general public. The reason..”the prisoners are in constant close proximity to each other”. Gee…I guess all the schoolchildren in the state do NOT get close to each other at all during a typical day.

My parents both went to the Doctor yesterday and were told that because they are both in a “High Risk” category of patient, they would both be getting Swine Flu shots. My Dad asked what made them “High Risk” and the Nurse just laughed uncontrollably for about 5 minutes while staring at both of my parents Medical Records which are each twice as large as New York City phone books.

Wal-Mart, the store chain that will be the death of me, either through some kind of horrific contagious disease I catch in one of their stores, or through my murder at the hands of a gun-crazed, toothless store employee tired of my constant ragging on their stores, will now be following me and millions of other poor souls into the afterlife.
Yes, Wal-Mart is now selling discounted Caskets and Urns on their website. First they aim to put ALL small “Mom and Pop” stores out of business in our Country, and now they want to put the Nations Funeral Homes out of business as well. This is just the first step. How long before they start opening Wal-Mart Cemeteries and Mausoleums across the Country? How long before Cremation services are offered right in the store alongside the Tire and Lube Services? “Attention in the store….John Smith….your Dodge Durango is ready in the Tire Center and your Father-in-Law is ready in the Cremation Center…” Think of the consequences, no matter how gross and sickening they may be. Their will be low-income, uneducated folks (in the deep south) who will be stuffing loved one’s corpses into the back of the garage or pickup in order to wait for the next good sale on caskets or Urns at Wal-Mart. It WILL happen. I better stay on my wifes good side. Once she reads this, she will undoubtedly be on the Wal-Mart website looking to purchase me a cheap plastic Urn to hold my remains….just in case I do get on her bad side.

While working at the Airport recently, passengers started filling up the waiting area right behind my podium for a flight to Newark, New Jersey. Two huge burly looking gentleman who appeared to be of Italian descent and who looked like they had both stepped off the set of “The Sopranos”, came up to me and one of them asked “Yo…if dis is Texas…how comes der aint no oil wells and them cowzus with da big horns outside the winduhs?” Tired of the constant stereotyping of our dear Lone Star State, I immediately shot back a rude look and then replied “So…If I fly to Newark I can expect to look out the window and see you guys unloading a large bag filled with someone you WHACKED out of the trunk of a large sedan…right outside the window of the airport?” Both huge men instantly grabbed me by the scruff of my collar, yanked me up to within a whisker of their angry faces, and whispered…”What did you see Fat man??? WHAT DID YOU SEE????!!!!!”