Well, at least I got one Member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy on my side…..

I’m just glad I can make life a little funnier for our dear former President and First Lady.

Special Thanks to his Secret Service detail for taking my name off the “No Mail” list, thereby allowing my request to actually get through to President Bush. (They have had me Red-Flagged for years!)

Glad to see Old George became a faithful reader of the blog after I begged and groveled in my autograph request letter to him.

Moving on…..

When I was at DFW on Monday, there was a man seated at a pay phone about 10′ away from my podium. The guy was talking in a pretty loud voice, loud enough to where I could hear everything he was saying without having to pretend to not be listening. The man sounded like he was talking to his Insurance Agent. My ears really perked up when he said “Well….we pay $6,500 a month for our Mortgage right now…….” I’m guessing he does NOT live in a house that at one time had wheels on it…..

My Dad and I guessed that his house must be worth, at LEAST, in the neighborhood of $700,000 or more.

I heard this guy and then thought, “What the heck is he doing talking on a pay phone?” A guy with a $700,000 house, surely has a Cell Phone, or two, and even if it had died on him, he could trot into any of the 300 shops in the Airport and buy another one and then just swap out his sim card.

I had to pick the kid up at school early today and take him to Dallas for his 6-week Orthodontic Appt. He was in the chair for a good 30 minutes, which he hated but I loved, cause I really like to feel that I am getting my monies worth considering the 148 mile round trip.

It reached 85 degrees here today. I still refuse to turn on the A/C. All three of us are wandering around the house dripping wet like we just climbed out of the pool. (If we had a pool. We have a Koi pond, but no Koi, the people we bought the house from wanted to know if we wanted to buy the Koi and just keep the Koi Pond as it was, but we declined, so when we actually moved into the house, we went out back and found all the Koi Pond Life Support equipment was gone, the water was still there, and laying under three tiny little white sheets, which were most likely handkerchiefs, were the lifeless bodies of the 3 now-deceased Koi, which was kind of sad in a way, but hey, that is the circle of Life, so anyway….it is now just a pond, well actually it is just a muddy hole… but pond sounds so much nicer)

January 9, 2010. The Autograph blog hits 1,000,000 views.

Due to my temporarily stopping sending out autograph request letters, I only get 4 new autographs between Jan 9th and today.

Today, the Autograph blog crossed the 1,500,000 views milestone.

Those who have a brain, who can spell correctly, know the proper use of Grammar and sentence structure, know the proper use of verbs, consonants, periods, question marks, commas, parentheses, hyphens, CPR, know how to transfer deep, insightful thoughts into creative writing, and those who can actually construct sentences understandable to anyone over the age of 5 years old……..WRITE.

The rest of us BLOG.

Those people in the Television Journalism field that are good lucking, articulate, are able to fluidly read from a teleprompter without swiveling their head from side to side, can speak the English language fluently, can construct and prepare their own news copy, are sharp dressers, well-groomed, and have an easy-going, extroverted, people-friendly demeanor……work in Television News in the major Cities of our Country.

The rest, start out in backwater Wastelands of Television Journalism in small cities like Wichita Falls, Texas.

I always get a kick out of going back to the town where we used to live, a town that gets its TV news from the bustling Metropolis of Wichita Falls. (GOOGLE EARTH:HELL and you will be taken to Wichita Falls)

Here in the Dallas area where we now live, we get great, good-looking, highly polished professional journalists that are just one breath away from moving up to the Major Networks, CNN, MSNBC, or (cough) FOX NEWS.

A child wanders out into a busy street. The family dog, a protective Terrier-Dachshund Mix named “Steve”, sees the toddler and rushes out to the young child. The heroic dog grabs the toddler by the back of its neck and pulls the child to safety just before it was about to be hit by a fast approaching car. The child survives unscathed, but poor Steve is not so fortunate. The Hero dog is tragically killed while bravely saving the young toddler. This type of narrative is just how it would be reported on our local news here in the Dallas Area.

In Wichita Falls, the same type story would be read by a nervous, trembling, sweat-drenched, acne covered newbie fresh out of the highly-esteemed Journalism Program at the University of Idaho (just like Sarah Palin..) and the news anchor, who had prepared their own news copy, would report the story as…

“Today…Baby…..car…..fast…street…doggie….screech….doggie…crunch….baby good…..doggie dead…sniffle….sniffle…Now….here first look at weather….”

You get the picture.

The apple does not fall far from the tree. Apparently my Dear Mother-in-Law (DMIL) is a Bubble Wrap Popping Lunatic just like her daughter. That would explain the constant tremors, nervous twitches, and irrational fear of loud noises that my Dear Father-in-Law exhibits. Living all those many sad years in a Household with a Bubble Wrap Popping Wife (BWPW), and what I would assume to be 3 Bubble Wrap Popping Daughters (BWPD).

On the Crime Blotter:

1900 block of CR 1560 – A man reported that someone left his mailbox open.

(I have seen reports like this on multiple occasions. Someone better call the FBI, I fear that we have a Serial Mail Box Opener on our hands.)

200 block of Rook Ramsey Road – A man reported that he lost his cell phone while hunting.

(Police called the number repeatedly and at one point something answered the phone with a deep-toned “Hu-Ro?” which Officers said sounded like an Adult Male Mule Deer that had apparently answered the call…)

And an Oldie but Goodie from Christmas Time…

1000 block of FM 1658 – Deputies responded to a civil dispute. A couple had broken up and were fighting over the Christmas tree and ornaments.

(A GUY arguing over who gets to keep Christmas Ornaments? They obviously broke up because she found out that he is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..)

My youngest kid, the 13yr old, is like a Tasmanian Devil of hyperactivity every day when he gets home from school. We get home from school and it is a scene of manic bouncing off the walls until the Good Lord allows 10pm to roll around and the kid goes to bed. Even then, even though his bedtime is 10pm, it is usually 10:30pm or so before we see the last of him because he always figures out ways to get out of bed and come into our room to ask a question, tell us something he forgot, or complain about some long-fanged, fork-tongued, Red Demon that is hiding under his bed.

Today I get home from doing my volunteer shift at the Airport and I am real tired and grumpy. The kid is hopping around the house, hyped up on Dr. Pepper, Candy, and what I am sure has to be just huge handfuls of straight sugar…..when I hear a loud POP!! Then another…..and another….and another…..POP!! POP!! POP!!! POP!!!

The kid has struck a real nerve……he is popping bubble wrap! POP!! POP!! POP POP POP!!!!

I am standing in the kitchen and I yell out “WILL YA STOP POPPING THE DAMN BUBBLE WRAP!!!!”

Pop! Pop! POP POP POP POP POP!!!!!!!

“STOP POPPING THE DAMN BUBBLE WRAP OR ELSE I’M GONNA (*#&(*&(*^(E^(*&^$#^%!@#^%!!!!

Pop! POP!! POP!!!

I look up.

What do I see?

My dear wife standing there with a huge sheet of Bubble Wrap. POP! POP! POP!

It was not the kid doing the popping, it was the wife!

My wife then informs me that she finally figured out what MY “problem” is……. I AM NOT A BUBBLE WRAP PERSON.

That’s it. Never mind the being disabled, depressed, obsessive-compulsive, sack of various Psychiatric Problems that I thought I was…….

My sad existence all boils down to the fact that I find the mindless popping of bubble wrap to be annoying as all get out…..

So, today I get to deal with the Tasmanian Devil AND the Bubble Popping little woman….both at the same time. Lucky Lucky Me……

On the way home from the Airport, I had orders to stop at Target to get my wife some more Ibuprofen. Sounds easy enough…..but you don’t know my wife. She has headaches like EVERY minute of the day…every day of the week….. She takes Ibuprofen like I pop Flinstones Vitamins……(Trust me…when they do my autopsy and cut me open…a few dozen completely intact Fred’s and Dino’s are gonna fall out….) I go to the Pain Relief Aisle and the best I can find is a bottle with 150 tablets. What a joke! 150 Tablets will last her until about 9:30pm or so…… I knew that she would kill me if I came home with such a pitifully small bottle so I knew that I was now destined to go my personal favorite form of Hell……Wal-Mart. Good Old Wal-Mart sells a Generic Bottle of Ibuprofen that is the size of a Wine Barrel, a bottle that claims to hold 10,000 tablets. And being Wal-Mart, that huge barrel, large enough that you need a dolly to wheel it out to the car, only costs $4.99 a Barrel! And being Wal-Mart’s Generic brand….it is undoubtedly all mass-produced out of a small family owned Pharmacia in the garage of a house in Guadalajara, and is of questionable health and sanitation production safety standards, which might explain why my dear wife, after years of popping these things, now has the complexion of the purple grape in the Fruit of the Loom commercials….and might explain why she spends all night making noises in her sleep similar to someone trying to drown a rooster in vat of peanut butter.

Quick! Someone shoot me! The kid is in the living room and is watching a Lady GaGa video…… for just a split second…..probably more like a fraction of a microsecond……my head tried…..ever so slightly…..to bob up and down……..

Almost 45yrs old and I am head-bobbing to Lady GaGa. The end is near.

My wife picked out some flowers to plant while we were at Lowe’s yesterday and she informed me that today HAD to be planting day. It was today or never….due to the local TV Weatherdude saying that the wind will start blowing tomorrow and it will not stop blowing again until July 23, 2019. So, even though I was wiped out from my exhausting 4 hrs at the Airport…..we headed out to plant flowers. Now, keep in mind, I am a middle aged, overweight, disabled, non-motivated, typical lazy Male of the species. Translation. I don’t do flowers! While she spent an hour squatting and hunched over on her little gardening stool….grumbling away as she “happily” planted the flowers…..I stood a few feet away and raked. What exactly I was raking, even I can’t say for sure…..but I was raking. Every 300 swipes or so with the rake and I would actually succeed in trapping a wayward twig or small chunk of weed….at which point I would moan and groan, do my best to bend over far enough to pick the stuff up, and despite the fact that we had dragged a trash bin out to the yard with us, I would casually drop the stuff back on the ground when she was not looking and then would repeat the same cycle over again. A few twigs and a couple weeds can make even a smart idiot appear to be VERY busy for a long time if you work hard at it!

Once she reads this…….I can foresee a LOT of flower planting in my future…….

Once again, the kid has Technologically outwitted his Idiot Dad. You remember the other day when I thought I was going senile because I had set up the Parental Locks on my Satellite, only to forget the password, and then forget where I had written down the password? (It happens to all of us right?) Well, I am NOT as senile as I thought. I called Dish Network, explained the situation to the guy, (who fell off his chair laughing..) and then after the guy dug around my system for a few minutes, he informed me that someone had gone in and manually reset MY PASSWORD to the SYSTEM DEFAULT PASSWORD. Hmmmmmmmm I wonder who that could have been………??? That little fart of mine figured out the loophole! You would figure that he would have needed MY PASSWORD in order to change it to the SYSTEM DEFAULT password…..but Nooooooooooo! He changed it. So, our little conniving 13yr old……had US, his senile old parents…..locked out of our own system!

I hate technology!

The winner of all the fake money in my guess the celebrity contest was my Cousin Whitney. Utes (“Utes…what’s a Utes?) all saw and loved the classic Joe Pesci flick “My Cousin Vinny”, so stay tuned for the sequel that I writing….”My Cousin Whitney“. The correct answer was Jenna Elfman. Thanks to Whitney and Mary for taking a stab at it. I give Mary extra credit for admitting she had no clue who it was. The rest of you that have been feverishly looking through every single photograph on Google Images….can give your eyes a rest.

The Idiotflashback blog has now passed the 25,000 hits landmark, well on it’s way to domination of all Idiot Flashback blogs out there on the net…

Saw on the local news last night that the local Movie Theater Chain that we always use has upped their ticket prices by $1.50 a ticket. They say that a family of 4 will now spend nearly $85 when you count tickets and concessions. That cheap $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart is looking alot more inviting now. Of course, I still have all my front teeth and my home does not have wheels on it….so I am going to look a little out of place rooting around in there with the other folks.

Proof that climate change is indeed real…. (ARE YOU LISTENING SARAH PALIN!!???) The Dallas area is nearing 160 consecutive days with the high temp never reaching 80 degrees. You Snowbirds up North can laugh but that is unheard of down here. A few years ago, we had a 100 degree day in February.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, if I see hear appear at one more rally where she starts screaming “It’s so good to be here with REAL Americans……” I guess that makes me and 99.99999999999% of the rest of you “Unreal Americans”?

If I was the Producers of “Jeopardy!”, I would offer her $10 Million dollars to appear as a contestant on the show. Of course, all the laughing would probably kill me.

Being the nice Dad that I am, I bought the Pay-per-View of the WWE Wrestlemania 3 Hour Lobotomy tonight for my son to enjoy.

He has been watching for a couple hours now and a few minutes ago he started yelling and came running into the computer room, telling me that I had to come see something earth-shattering.

For a little backstory, I have been telling him for years that Wrestling, while being athletic, is totally rigged and fake as to the outcome of the matches. For years, he has been nodding in agreement with me, but deep down I know that he still thought a bunch of it was real.

Until tonight.

His hero John Cena is fighting some monster named Bautista. Cena is the good guy, Bautista is the bad guy. Just as in the WWE event we saw in person a few weeks ago, I told my son that Cena would get his butt kicked for most of the match, then would make a miraculous comeback to win in the end.

My son comes in and drags me out to the living room. He has the screen paused. On the screen, John Cena is being held from behind by the bad guy. Cena has his arms being spread widely apart and is acting like he is agony. My son says “Watch this….and listen real close….”

He releases the pause. John Cena gets hit squarely with a knee to the back and falls to the mat in agony.

But…….not before clearly saying in a hushed tone….”OK…Now Knee me in the back…” to his opponent. No one in the crowd would have ever heard it, and I’m sure the guys in the production truck cringed when they heard it on the Live Broadcast…..but, there it was. Just like I have been telling him. It’s all rigged. Sure, they are great athletes and great entertainers…..but every Wrestler in the WWE knows exactly who is going to win and who is going to lose before they ever walk into the arena.

I bought a new Weed Trimmer today at Lowes. It is about 9′ long so that I do not have to hunch over to do the weed eating. It also weighs about 300 pounds so my right arm is now dragging the ground while my left arm now hangs about the same length as a young toddler. Just like every weed trimmer I have ever bought, this one managed to make it all of 4′ down the driveway before the line snapped. I spend 32 minutes taking apart the spool, re-threading the line, reattaching the spool, and then head back out to the driveway. Two feet later, it snaps again. Apparently, my hyper-fertilized grass is just too damn sharp for this $200 trimmer. Now I know why EVERYONE in town just uses Landscapers to do their lawns…… Not me, I am a major tightwad. So, here I sit, hours later, sitting at my computer……while a few feet away the weed trimmer is leaned up against the wall. I have been re-spooling for hours. If I am lucky, I will done in time to weed a few more feet tomorrow afternoon.

You can tell it’s Saturday morning as once again the sounds of Sex have filled our household.

Get your minds out of the gutter! I’m talkin about the “Secret Life of the American Teenager” show that my wife is catching up on courtesy of the DVR. Like I said before, watch or listen to that show and you will notice that the word “sex” pops up at least 10-12 per minute of dialogue.

A few weeks ago, my wife had me block all the Rated-R movies on the DVR in the Living room so that our 13yr old would quit secretly taping movies off of Skinemax at night. No problem. I set up the parental locks, chose a password, wrote the password down, told the wife the password, and that was it.

Now, I can’t remember the password, my wife can’t remember the password, and I can’t remember where I wrote the password down. Now, I gotta call Dish Network and convince them that I am indeed the Dad, and not the sneaky teenager trying to change the password, and hope that they reset the password for me.

This will be the 17th time I have had to do this.

I hate getting old.

While surfing around the web, I stumbled across the site www.famousbirthdays.com It is pretty cool. You can see what celebs were born on the same day you were born. I share a birth date (not the same year mind you..) with Katherine Hepburn, George Carlin, Florence Nightingale, Yogi Berra, Steve Winwood, Ving Rhames, Tony Hawk, Emilio Estevez, Jason Biggs, Stephen Baldwin, and The Cookie Monster. Who would guess that the Cookie Monster is now 67 yrs old.

My Father-in-Law shares the same Birthday as President Obama. Say that out loud around this area and my Father-in-Law might find himself getting pelted with empty beer cans.

Hello? Hello? Is this Microphone on? Anyone out there??? My requests (on a previous post) for people to guess the identity of the beautiful female celeb, and my request for anyone needing another Fantasy Baseball League member, both managed to generate mind-boggling results! Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Zero! So, either no one out there wants to hazard a guess on who the woman is, and no one wants another Idiot in their snobby elitist Baseball league……or NO ONE reads this blog. I’m beginning to suspect the latter is the case….

My wife and I have taken to watching old classic episodes of “Gunsmoke” on the Encore Western Channel. When I was a little kid, I thought Marshall Matt Dillon was the coolest dude on the planet. Now, I remember why. He IS one cool dude! My wife wondered if maybe Actor Matt Dillon was named after him. Gunsmoke ran from 1955-1975. Matt Dillon was born in 1964. I would bet the odds are pretty high that his parents were Gunsmoke fans.

For as big as they were/are, you sure don’t see many Elvis, Oprah, or Madonna’s running around…..

The above photo is for you sicko’s that have some twisted deep-seeded fear of clowns. (and Fast Food Outlets) Sleep tight.

Sometimes our local newspaper gets so hard up for stuff to fill the page that they really seem to push the line of credibility. Take the Obituaries for instance. Now, I usually don’t read Obits but on slow news weeks, they end up on the front page right along with the story about the local Police having to shoot a rabid Chipmunk that had made it’s way into Mabel Crosworth’s back yard and had bitten her prized Pit Bull named Sarah Palin……… But anyway, today the Obituaries list an elderly lady that passed away. It said she was born in Winston, Ky……passed away in Sunrise, Fl……but she had stopped and bought a packet of chewing tobacco at a local store here in our town, sometime in 1967. Damn! That pretty much makes her a local alright!!

The new movie “Hot Tub Time Machine” transports the actors all the way back to……1986?!! Yikes! To me, that was like YESTERDAY! I still listen to 100% more music from 1986 on the Radio and on CD’s than what I listen to from 2006! Now, if you’ll excuse me….I’ll go back to working on my idiotflashback blog (link on right)…where your Computer Chair Time Machine can transport you back to the 70′s and 80′s…..for free. End of shameless plug.

Gotta new game for ya. It is called “Name that Celebrity!”. $4,312.92 in fake Idiot Dollars to the first reader that can leave a comment with the correct name of the female celeb pictured above. Good Luck! And No!…it is NOT Amy Winehouse! (Employees of the Idiot Speaketh, their family members, pets, neighbors, and people of the same race, sex, or ethnic origin are not eligible for prize. Not valid in Uruguay, Botswana, Bangladesh, Iceland, or portions of Southern New Jersey)

Beautiful day today. Supposed to be pushing 70 degrees later on. Great day to run out to the mail box in shorts and a t-shirt and enjoy the warm temps. Only problem was that I had actually forgot to put on my shorts this morning….

Have you seen the idiotic Cialis Erectile Dysfunction TV commercial where the man is watching his wife stand on a ladder while she changes a light bulb and the narrator is saying “You never know when the MOOD to be romantic will strike you…..” Good Grief! Changing a light bulb? How hot is that? Now put a plastic scoop in her hand and have her hunch over to scoop the cat litter and then your talkin!! Woo Hoo!!

(My cousin, who complained that the thought of me putting a testicle into the CD Tray (previous post) had given her nightmares…..will probably kill me now since she will no longer be able to scoop her cat litter for fear that her husband or some of the neighborhood teen boys might be staring and drooling over her…. Sorry Whitney!)

Today I got the royal crap scared out of me in the garage. I had gone out to get the gas can for the lawn mower so that I could head down to the neighborhood gas station…..when I reached down and then let out a blood curdling scream! (Same sound you get when you stomp on an old female cat) Right in front of the can was a huge reptilian monster that at first glance rivaled those man-eating beasts in Jurassic Park. OK, so it turned out that the thing was a Horned Frog, common here in Texas, and was actually only about 4 inches long (a toddler Horned Frog), but a nasty little puddle left behind on the garage floor will attest to how terrified I was…..for a brief instant.

So, who is the girl in the picture? Any guesses?

A British study has shown an increase in the number of cases of Syphilis in areas of the Country that have large numbers of FACEBOOK users. Damn! I gotta start sprayin the keyboard with disinfectant every night and will have to wear condoms on each typing finger just to be on the safe side. I always said that FACEBOOK will be the end of civilization as we know it…..and I guess this is how they are going to accomplish that feat.

That explains where that embarrassing itch and rash came from…..

And here I thought that FOX NEWS had somehow given me a STD.

Now, when my wife hears a blood-curdling scream coming from the bathroom as I am in there taking a whiz….she will instantly know that I had again been promiscuously fooling around with my Farmville Neighbors while she was at work…..

Moving on…

Heard on one of the Entertainment Shows last night that they are going to be making the classic Sitcom “Laverne and Shirley” into a movie. Jennifer Garner will play Laverne, while Jessica Biel would play Shirley. Yup….when it comes to talented modern-day female comediennes, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel are right at the top of my list. I cannot think of two funnier actresses on the planet……Aaaarrggg!

I finally finished our Taxes. After completing section 198: Question #12: Line 37 which states “If line 37 is less than amount shown in line 623…and if you answered “Yes” in the “Male” box of line #2,382 which asked are you “Male” or “Female”, then open the CD/DVD Tray on your PC, drop pants to ankle height, and then squarely place LEFT TESTICLE into tray. Once in place, close tray repeatedly while pressing “SEND” on the “E-FILE” link at the bottom of your screen.

Embarrassed but obedient, I did just as I was instructed and was shocked to hear, as the CD TRAY had “El Lefto Nuto” in a vice grip, the soulful sounds of The Captain and Tennille singing “Do that to me one more time…” blasting from my PC Speakers.

Go figure.

And by the way, getting “El Lefto Nuto” into the CD Tray of a PC Tower sitting on the floor wedged between a computer desk and a Printer Stand is not easy! I had to bend and contort into positions I had not imagined since first seeing “Basic Instinct” on the Big Screen. It’s a good thing my Father did not come over and catch me in the act, as it would have looked alot like the Dad on “American Pie” yelling “Son! Get off the Computer! Right now!!”

I am starting to get a massive Canker Sore in my mouth. I bet YOU TUBE is to blame!

Just like FOXNEWS.COM has been known to cause me Extreme Uncontrollable Fecal Incontinence.

And finally, this piece of junk is the FLR-9 Antenna that was located on my base in England back when I was a “Spook” in the Intelligence Field of the USAF. This monster was like 35 acres in size and could make it so that we could hear things a Looooooooooonnnggggggg ways away. The little building in the middle is the Guard Tower that the Security Police manned 24hrs a day to keep people from getting too close to the monster that we affectionately called “The Elephant Cage”. How far away could it hear? Let’s just say that we could sit in our work area and listen to NY Yankees Games on the radio as clear as if we were in New York City. That was pretty good for the 1980′s. Now, the things are obsolete, have all been torn down, and the base is now closed. Nowadays, if you want to spy on someone, you just get on GOOGLE SPY and everything is right there in front of you.

If anyone out there in Blogville is in to Fantasy Baseball on Yahoo! or ESPN and you need another live Idiot to fill out your league, I am always available. I am available for Live Drafts and promise to pick lots of Pittsburgh Pirates and San Diego Padres, the two true Powerhouses in Major League Baseball.

Today I was scrounging around in the freezer for something to eat. I found a microwavable dinner called a “Steamers” something or rather…..It apparently is a typical unhealthy, calorie-laden, heart-attack in a box like any other TV Dinner….but this “Steamers” thing apparently comes packaged in a much healthier cardboard and plastic box. I took the thing out and flipped it over, only to be greeted by a set of cooking instructions longer than most books of the Bible. I started reading. “Remove dinner from cardboard box. (Duh) Carefully peel plastic cover from two corners of packaged dinner, making sure to only peel plastic back at a 37 degree angle perpendicular to your most eastward facing wall, all the while ensuring that you only grasp plastic container with two fingers not to include a thumb, index, or ring finger and ensure that you are properly grounded and are not wearing flammable clothing so as to expose yourself…..

Ah to Hell with it!!! I threw the thing in the Microwave, programmed it for like 4 minutes, and pressed Start.

What’s the worst that could happen?

I remember an instantaneous blinding flash of white light, a felt a huge rush of hot air blast me squarely in the face, and within seconds got a major whiff of what smelled like Burned Fish. I opened my eyes to see a huge smoldering hole in my kitchen wall where the microwave used to be located….and noticed the still-flaming skeletal remains of the Idiot Cat of mine that had been sitting on the kitchen counter watching me cook lunch.

Who knew that Toasted Cat smelled like Burned Fish?

See, ya learn something new every day….

Today was the first real Severe Thunderstorm of the Spring Season. I had just picked the kid up at school and was heading down the street when the Heavens decided to royally dump every ounce of water on the planet onto my car. We are creeping down the street, wipers going as fast as they can, and you can still not see a thing out of the front of the car. The kid is freaking out and is screaming that we need to stop, right in the middle of the road, because we can’t see where we are going. I yell back at him that I have been driving for over 30 years, have driven in all kinds of bad weather, drive on that street 5 days a week when I pick him up, and could drive that street blindfolded if I had to. We crept along for about another 3 minutes or so before the deluge finally let up enough to where I could see in front of the car. I slammed on the brakes. Whereas 3 minutes earlier I was creeping down a residential street in front of the kid’s school, we now found our car stopped directly in front a large dog house, which upon closer examination, seemed to belong to the home who’s backyard we were now stopped squarely in the middle of.

Oops.

I guess the Republicans were right. I got a priority letter from the US Government, Department of Health and Human Services, that stated that the newly convened Death Panel had reviewed my Medical File and had deemed that I was too terminally Stupid to be allowed to live. The letter goes on to state that a “Technician” will be coming to my home tomorrow (Presumably to mercy kill me) and that I need to make arrangements to be home between 8am-12pm local time. The letter states that the technician will call when he/she is my area in order to get directions to my home.

That’s kind of a downer. I was really looking forward to the NCAA Basketball games tomorrow.

I sure hope they are more reliable than the damn Satellite folks!

Tonight I am like Bart Simpson standing at the chalk board….

I WILL NOT DISCUSS POLITICS
I WILL NOT DISCUSS POLITICS
I WILL NOT DISCUSS POLITICS
I WILL NOT DISCUSS POLITICS

You get the idea.

Not much new here. My dear old Dad about gave ME a heart attack today. We were discussing my Taxes, which I still have not finished due to the 13,982 pages on TurboTax that are still incomplete, when good Old Dad up and tells me that the $9,120 that my wife paid in premiums for our Health Insurance last year are Tax Deductible.

Whoa! That about knocked me for a loop! My eyes glazed over with visions of large currency bills floating around my head as I dreamed of moving up to being able to actually afford the “Hungry Man” size of TV Dinner versus the 5/$5.00 size that we usually eat……..

But, of course, Old Dad is off his rocker and is fast on his way to being a drooling toddler again……so it turned out that he was wrong. My wife works for a School District that has always taken the 80% chunk of her paycheck out BEFORE taxes…..so we do not get to claim any of that small fortune we spend….on our taxes. So, I am right back to reality, eating the fist-sized TV Dinner with the little chocolate brownie that I always nuke until it is solid as Lava….

The other day while the wife and I were down in Civilization, we stopped and bought 500lb bags of yard killer and weed fertilizer. I know you are thinking that it should be the other way around, but you don’t know me and my gardening skills. Trust me. The yard WILL get killed, just as sure as the Weeds WILL get fertilized. Well anyway, I got a nice little cheap plastic yard spreader. I dump 250lbs of the killer/fertilizer crap into the hopper and I start trudging across my deeply forested lawn. I have no clue how to set the “rate” that the crap is spread or anything along those lines…so by the time I have walked 5 feet out into the yard….it appears that I succeeded in putting down about 150lbs of the toxic crap. Did I use a little too much if I have to go out into the yard with a rake and actually spread the stuff around to even it out? People driving past on the street probably wondered how in the HELL it had hailed at my house on such a sunny day….. The bag said to water the crap once it was applied…which I did……but the water from the sprinkler seems to have created a thick toxic fog that is hovering over my yard….thick enough to where I can no longer see the actual sprinkler. The neighbors mutt has been out there running around in the toxic cloud….and I am sure that once the little fart develops a flipper on it’s belly or a third eye on it’s head….this will somehow end up being all my fault……

Wow! I just heard a blood-curdling loud Yelp come from the cloud….

I think my yard just ate that dog.

Did you catch the Idiot Republican Congressman yelling out “Baby Killer!” during the aftermath of the Health Care Vote last night? Of course, he turns out to be a Texas Congressman! I cannot tell you how Royally Pissed off I was when I heard that crap last night. In a last ditch, Hail Mary effort to kill the health care reform bill that had just been passed, the Republicans try to force a vote to kill the bill by turning it into solely an issue on Abortion. While the Democratic Congressman that is most Anti-Abortion Democrat in Washington is trying to speak, this Texas Idiot yells out “Baby Killer!” at him. Everyone has their own personal views and beliefs on Abortion. No one, repeat NO ONE, deserves to be called a “Baby Killer”…no matter how heated the circumstances. Needless to say, when I heard today that the Idiot that yelled out the offensive remark was a Texan…..I was not shocked.

The Idiot in Question: Randy Neugebauer (R) Lubbock

Good Ol Boy Randy is also one of the vocal leaders of the “Birther” movement.

I myself was born in Eugene, Oregon. I have a Birth Certificate that states as much, and can probably dig up a few dozen people that will swear to the fact that I was indeed born in Eugene…….but in this day and age…..is that truly enough?
Nope.

But back to Good Ol Boy Randy….the pride of Redneck West Texas….

The Dallas Newspaper prints an article about the incident and at the bottom is a section for comments from readers.

The first reader comment: “At least he had the courage to yell it out in the first place..”

A GOP analyst appeared on CNN last night, after the vote, and was asked what the one major problem with the bill is. He replied…”We cannot afford it….future generations to come will be paying for this bill….” How much less would the financial impact be if ………oh let’s say…….we were not involved in TWO WARS at the moment……both of which are nearing a DECADE now…. How much do we spend on those Wars? I wonder how many Americans could get Health Insurance with just the money spent on 1 month of both Wars?

Now…there ya go…..I try my hardest to avoid getting pulled into the damn politics pit……yet here I go again…..

Time to go hit myself over the head with my autographed Sarah Palin photo!

Again.

Funny….it never seems to help.

Ya know, while I am thinking about the Sarah Palin photo……. As she sits here and stares at me from the wall only a few feet from my computer……I find that her photo has begun to instill a deep-seeded irrational fear of women in me….much like the effect the psychotic-looking clown doll had on the poor son in “Poltergeist”. If I remember right, that clown doll tried to strangle the poor kid didn’t it? I better take Sarah down and lock her away with the Dick Cheney photo…..just in case.

Today’s Weather. Sunny and Windy. Current temp 48 degrees.
We still have snow in the shaded areas of the yard.
60 Miles east of here, 9 inches of snow.
Supposed to be back up to 75 by Tuesday.
Wife is up North retrieving the Kid.
Cats and I enjoying last few hours of quiet before the kid returns.
College Basketball Tourney on TV but I cannot pull myself away from watching our Lawmakers go at it on CNN. It’s like watching a roomful of Kindergartners, hopped up on too much sugar, all screaming and crying and yanking each others hair out. I’m putting on my hard hat, just in case, because the House GOP Leadership has even me convinced that the actual sky WILL fall if Health Reform passes.
The cats are sitting around the table playing cards.
Have you read some of the alledged text messages that Tiger Woods sent one his “ladies”? That dude is into some freaky you know what……
I called our Insurance Carrier the other day to get authorization for a family member to get some counseling. The person on the phone wanted to know what the “problem” was. I figured that info was private and did not need to be divulged to some temp working in a call center in Mumbai. The person persisted on knowing the reason for counseling. Seeing that I was beat, I told the person that the family member thinks that he/she (the family member) is a Penguin. I got a quick approval for 50 visits.

Dad? Daaaaaaadddd???? Sorry….got distracted by my favorite new E-Trade commercial…

I got a major stomach ache at the moment. Maybe Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich and Barbecue Potato Chips were not a good match after all.
The kid just called from the car on his way home. He called to brag that he is still 2 games ahead of me on our NCAA Bracket contest. (Damn you Kansas!)
This post is sponsored by Sex Panther Cologne. It is made with real bits of Panther so you know it is good.
The kid is now home and pulled up our brackets. We are now tied. I can start to take my head out of the oven now….
Thanks to Tiger Woods, I will never again hear a Weatherman utter the word “Showers” without getting totally disgusted.
In the local crime blotter:

400 block of Country Living Drive – A man’s dog told him that someone poured hot grease on its back.
(That’s a talented dog! Did he give a full statement or just bark out a vague description of the suspect?)

200 block of Rook Ramsey Drive – A man reported that his mother-in-law harasses him via Facebook messages.

(Someone teach this idiot how to “Unfriend” someone from Facebook! Obviously the man is too stupid to be allowed to use a computer!)

600 block of U.S. 81/287 North – Someone wrapped a logging chain around a bill changer at a laundromat in an attempt to steal the machine. An employee observed the attempted theft and the suspect fled the scene.

(Criminals in the big city tie chains around ATM machines in the middle of the night and try to steal them. Here in Hooterville, our criminals go after Laundromat Bill Changing machines….in broad daylight…..with employees present…)

Two new prisoners arrive at the State Pen to start serving their life sentences. A longtime inmate asks the two newcomers what crimes they had been convicted of…

Convict #1 – “I killed a family of Five, their two dogs, their parakeet, and tortured their pet turtle with a rusty fork”

Convict #2 – “I stole $16 from a Laundromat Bill Changing machine after ripping it from the wall with a logging chain”

Yesterday, it was sunny and 70 degrees outside.

Today it is snowing.

All thanks to our Canuck neighbors to the North…

I always get a kick out of the fact that the weather forecasters will give you the high temperature expected for the next day…..but usually leave out the TIME that the temperature will be reached. Read most forecasts for today and you will see that we are supposed to be near 50 degrees for the High. Read the fine print and you will see that it will hit 50 just after midnight. By 11am, it will actually only be 32 degrees. This really messes up idiots like myself who spend extra minutes staring into the dresser trying to figure out if I need to wear the 50 degree pair of shorts or the 32 degree shorts.

In my book, Jesse James may have just passed Tiger Woods on the list of biggest Jerk Husbands on the Planet.

Jeez Jesse…..was Amy Winehouse taken?

My wife and I hit Home Depot the other day to get our spring yard work supplies. I grabbed two 50lb bags of grass fertilizer, a huge bag of ant and pest killer, 6 bags of bark dust, a 500′ roll of garden week cover material, a pair or work gloves, a rake, a 20 ounce Coke, and 1 Zagnut bar. The wife had a heck of time balancing it all in her arms as the cashier tried to zap everything with his price gun.

Friday saw the wife hunched over working in the flower beds all day long while I sat on a camp chair and enjoyed the Coke and Zagnut bar.

Today, with it snowing outside, the wife decided that she needed to finish cleaning the kids room, do her own laundry, finish up some work from her job, clean the kitchen, clean…….oh wait….she found a NCIS marathon on TV all day today…….she will now be plopped on the living room couch until bedtime. Everything else….will have to wait til next week.

I am trying REAL hard to avoid watching all the political crap that is clogging the news these days. I was forced into watching some highlights of the Health Care debate yesterday and just had to laugh. All of our elected officials are behaving no better than the kids on your typical grade-school playground. One huge pet peeve I have is when ANY elected official in Washington, regardless of Political Party, gets up in front of a camera and says “The American People do not want this….or want that……or…..The American People have spoken…..” I don’t know about you, but no one has asked me Jack Squat about what I want or asked for my views on anything.

A local bank is offering a “Sweet” deal. Open up a checking account, keep a minimum balance, pay 5 bills per month online, and you will qualify for a special CD that will pay you an eye-popping 1.9% in Interest! Wow! Oh yeah…..it’s a 3-year CD too!……Wow! 1.9%!!! Sign me up!

I may have to go out and stand in the road and throw myself in front of the next out-of-control Toyota Prius that comes my way….. The kid is beating me in our NCAA Bracket Contest. If I lose to the little runt, my pathetic life will truly have no further purpose.

Last evening, just 16 hours ago, I was barbecuing Hamburgers on our grill. In shorts and a T-shirt. Barefooted. Now, the current wind chill outside is 19 degrees. I blame Glenn Beck. Welcome to Spring.

The cryptic title of this post? Makes no sense right? Sorry…..according to Yahoo!…Kristi Yamaguchi and Medicare are the top two search terms being used today. Gotta get hits however I can…..

I only put this trailer on here because this movie happened to be filmed here in our quaint little town at a hotel about a quarter-mile from my house.

Runaway Bay’s contribution to Hollywood!….

I am sure this film won a BUNCH of Awards….

It was prominently featured at this years Academy Awards, but you were most likely in the bathroom and missed when it was profiled as a Best Picture Nominee.

Rumor has it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie both turned down roles in this film.

Enjoy! …..or……I’m sorry!…….

Among our State Board of Education’s new rules for this next school year: The Speeches of Confederate President Jefferson Davis are to be given equal billing with the speeches of Abraham Lincoln. Students are to study Gen. Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson as a role-model. Students will NOT learn about Black or Hispanic Medal of Honor recipients, and Thomas Jefferson will only be discussed as a former President, with all of his other accomplishments and contributions downplayed due to his questionable beliefs and “extracurricular” activities. (Sex with his slaves, liberal political leanings, etc)

I was thrown out of bed this morning by the sudden loud shriek of my wife who was in the adjacent living room. With visions of the woman being attacked by a knife-wielding maniac or School Bus Driver…I shuffled my crippled body across the bedroom and bolted into the living room to discover my wife……..playing on the Wii Fit. She was riding a “virtual bicycle” and had rode herself into a corner and could not find her way back out. This harrowing experience apparently warrants blood-curdling screams of loud enough intensity to wake the husband, the cats, and the dead.

I was reading the online edition of the Fort Worth paper this morning and a large ad popped up for a company selling huge GUN SAFES. Welcome to Texas. Your house burns to the ground in a tragic fire, or blows away in a tornado, but at least you know that the last thing standing will be a 5,000lb, 5′ high hunk of steel that has kept your gun collection safe and unscathed. When trying to rebuild here in Texas after any type of disaster, you really do have to start with your guns. Without your guns, you are virtually naked.

Do you use Blockbuster Video? Better hurry…..that company seems to be on the fast track to bankruptcy. Today you can buy a share of Blockbuster Stock for 26 CENTS a share. The vultures are circling.

My wife was talking to kid on the phone yesterday and was filling him in as to all the stuff that she had uncovered in his room while cleaning it…….including the Playboy Magazine hidden under his night stand….

His explanation? He had found the Playboy in “another room” and was in the process of “throwing it out”. How it got under his night stand…..is a mystery to him.

I got our latest cell phone bill the other day. The kid’s phone had nearly $30 in Data Usage charges. (We already pay for unlimited texting) So, he was apparently surfing the web for hours, racking up the charges. When confronted with this info over the phone, he denied ever surfing the web on his phone, and then claimed it must be surfing by itself whenever he has the phone in his back pocket and sits down…therefore magically hitting all the right keys needed to surf the web……

Sounds logical. Guess I’ll drop the subject and kick myself for thinking the kid was trying to be sneaky.

My idiot spellchekr program thinks that “texting” is not a word. I type in “Ribbersnucker” and it soars right past the spellchecker program with no problem…..but “texting” gets highlighted every time…….

Ribbersnucker? It’s a person who snucks ribbers. What the heck did ya think it was?

Further proof that although I am a self-professed Idiot of the highest caliber, I am far from being the BIGGEST Idiot in the Brain-Dead area of the Country that I inhabit.

A SCHOOL BUS driver in a local town was tired of some kids leaving a mess on his bus. (This was in late 2008)
After 3 young girls left cookie crumbs on the bus, the driver pulled a pocketknife and threatened to cut the wrists of the three 6th grade girls who had made the mess.

His defense?

“It was a joke”

The man goes on trial this week. If convicted, he could face the mind-boggling sentence of…….180 DAYS in jail!……

People run stop signs in Texas and they get sent to the State Pen for 5-10 years. A guy threatens 3 little girls with a knife and the best we can do is 180 days in jail….

Welcome to Texas.

While working at the Airport yesterday, I had a real nice conversation with some folks from Calgary, Canada. They were on their way to South America and were changing planes at DFW and said that this was their first time in Texas. They said that they had wondered what Texas would look like as they were coming in… I asked them what they thought……they smiled and said “It’s flat! Real flat!” They asked where our Mountains were. I laughed and told them that we vacation in the mountains every summer….in New Mexico….which is a 500 mile drive from where we live. They said that Calgary is flat….but at least you can SEE mountains…..they could not imagine living somewhere where all you saw was FLAT in every direction.

My wife just talked to the kid, still 150 miles away enjoying Spring Break, and told him that we missed him. He laughed. He wondered how we could be missing him when we were at home having “Wild Swing Parties” while he is out of the house. Yep….we’re busted…… We are doing laundry, cleaning the house, weeding the garden, vacuuming the carpets, doing dishes…….all in between the drunken orgy sessions we are holding with all our Wild and Crazy Neighbors in our Hot Tub………Honey!! I need another Margarita!!!

A few of the posts on my Idiotflashback blog have polls and so far, they have a few interesting trends. One poll asks which version of Van Halen you prefer, the David Lee Roth version, or the Sammy Hagar model. So far, no one has voted in Sammy’s favor. Another poll asks if you prefer The Go-Go’s or The Bangles. In that matchup, The Go-Go’s are kicking butt.

My wife is ticked off at the TV Networks. Though she has a few nights where there is NOTHING on TV that she watches…..Tonight is not one of them. Tonight sees her trying to juggle 3 TV’s and 2 DVR’s while trying to watch/tape NCIS, LOST,THE GOOD WIFE, FLASH FORWARD, and PARENTHOOD. Needless to say, I will NOT have a spare TV in which to watch Hannah Montana for myself. We do have a TV and Satellite upstairs….but that would require actual physical exertion in order to walk upstairs…..so forget that.

I got our Census form in the mail today. It says that you must reply “UNDER PENALTY OF LAW” on the envelope. I can just see the future episodes of “Cops” from Little Rock, Arkansas as Sheriff’s Deputies are jumping fences and running down alleys (Bad boys Bad Boys…what ya gonna do….what ya gonna do when they come for you!….Bad Boys Bad Boys….) chasing shirtless rednecks who neglected to return their Census forms. Watch….it will happen!

Texas will undoubtedly make failure to fill out your Census form a Capital Punishment Offense.

I don’t buy that “Penalty of Law” crap anyway. I cut off the tag off a Hotel Room Mattress about 12 years ago…..and it had a “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW” tag on it……and so far, I have managed to evade capture…….

I think for this Census, my family and I will list ourselves as Unemployed, Uneducated, Illegal Immigrant PACIFIC ISLANDERS.

Knowing that we could never afford an actual African Safari, my wife has instead chosen to enjoy the next best thing right here at home….

She has decided to clean our son’s room while he is gone for Spring Break.

She made her first venture into the room yesterday while I away at the airport.

Big Mistake.

You never venture into that room alone. To do so without adult backup is insanity. Just as a heroic fireman does not venture into a burning building alone, a loopy housewife should not dare to shuffle into her 13yr old son’s Jungle of a room without the knowledge that someone is at their back, ready to pull her to safety in an instant if needed.

I come home from the airport and discover the wife sitting on the living room couch, eyes as big as saucers, mouth hanging open, drool pooling on her lap. (The same look I used to get whenever Connie Selleca appeared on TV when I was a teenager….)

I tried asking her what was going on, but doing so was as coherent as interviewing Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. She just sat there and mumbled …”the horror…..the horror….the horror……”

I went down the hall towards the kid’s room. I was greeted by the sight of a mountain of “crap” piled up in the hall outside his door. This apparently was the pile of “crap” that she had determined that needed to be removed forever from the room. I started stepping over all the junk and looked on in amazement at the treasures she had retrieved.

7 unopened Pop-Tart packages
2 unopened cans of soda
1 large box of Lucky Charms cereal, 1/2 remaining. Expiration date: 12 Nov 2008
2 Playboy Magazines (Better than finding Playgirl I guess…)
26 Plastic, glass, and ceramic drinking glasses and mugs (We had resulted to using Styrofoam after all our glasses disappeared)
7 Ferns, fully grown, sprouting from what appears to be the remnants of 7 cereal bowls
1 piece of petrified wood which we later determined to actually be a stick of pepperoni
The skeletal remains of a small animal or rodent. My wife prays it was a hamster or gerbil…..I am thinking more along the lines of R-A-T
1 Full-Sized All-Weather SUV or Light Truck Tire. (What the ?????)
37 Movie and DVD cases, none of which actually had DVD’s in them.
Clothes shoved deep under his bed. These clothes are all of sizes that would have been worn when he was like 7 years old.

And found deep inside one of his dresser drawers, the foul-smelling, stench-encrusted decomposing remains of what appeared to be a juvenile Sea Lion……….or it might be the cat we thought ran away years ago…..

I came home 18 hours ago. The wife is still on the couch. The pile is still in the hallway. The kid is still 150 miles away, happily enjoying his Spring Break.

Me?……I’m going to make a sandwich……..

My son is standing in the living room playing the Wii. He is playing a tank game in which you drive your tank around shooting everything that moves. He apparently is not doing too well as he has been constantly blurting out nonsensical words right and left for the past 10 minutes. My wife is TRYING to read the newspaper and is seated on the couch just behind him. She just yelled at him after he blurted out “NIPPLE”!!!! after his tank was shot by another tank. Yep….he’s a 13yr old male alright……playing tanks and war games on the Wii….and still thinking about Nipples………That’s my boy!…..

If you are a fan of the CBS Sitcom “How I met your Mother” you might want to check out the Idiotflashback blog of mine and check one of the newest entries.

My wife laughed at me when she came home from work because I had one of those fake logs burning in the fireplace on a day when it is 60 degrees outside. She asked why I was using the (expletive deleted) fireplace….I told her I had a “chill”…she said to turn on the (expletive deleted) heat!…..I replied that it was cheaper to burn a fake log than to turn on the (expletive deleted heat)…..

I should have just yelled “Nipple!!”

Should I be offended, with me being the cook of the household, that as soon as dinner is over, both the wife and the kid head straight for the microwave to nuke bags of popcorn? Sometimes, they will get up and start the nuking…..while we are still eating……. Something tells me that I should be offended….

Nipple! Nipple! Nipple!

I’m gonna make Microwave Popcorn for Dinner tomorrow night and see what happens…..

We each have different modes of nuking popcorn in the microwave.

The kid puts it in and programs the timer for like 12 minutes then only takes the bag out when the bag has physically burst into flames inside the microwave. Once ALL the smoke alarms in the house have been activated, he takes out the bag.

I use the “listening” method. I listen to the sounds of the pops and once there is only 8.4 pops per 4 second interval, I take out the bag. Taking the bag out with only 7.3 pops in like a 3.6 second interval will also give you a decent bag but I much prefer the 8.4/4 ratio…..don’t you?

My wife uses the method under the theory that ALL popcorn on the planet MUST be nuked for EXACTLY 1 minute and 32 seconds……NO EXCEPTIONS!! If you take out the bag a second or two too early….she will dump out the bag, pick out the unpopped kernels, and will hurl them at you with all her might. If you leave the bag in for an extra second or two…..she will get out a magnifying glass, dump the popcorn out on the counter, and then will pick out the ONE single piece that is slightly browned….and she will then hurl that slightly browned kernel at you with all her might….all the while yelling that YOU burned HER popcorn!

As you know, I have feet that are completely numb due to my disability. I trot around the house bare-footed most of the time. The by-product of being bare-footed AND numb-footed is that I tend to walk around with a whole slew of objects embedded in the bottoms of my feet…….translation……I pick up everything that I step on. I go to the Doctor regularly and she usually looks at my feet and legs as part of my checkups…… The last time I was in the Dr’s Office, she is looking at my feet and picks out a couple unpopped popcorn kernels that were embedded in my foot…… The Doctor looks at me and smirks….”Ya took out the Popcorn a couple seconds too early didn’t ya?”

The Popcorn Conspiracy must be unique to ALL women!

On the local crime blotter:

A woman reported that an unknown person entered her home, opened her bedroom door and turned off her heater.

(Welcome to Texas. Down here, masked intruders cut your phone lines and security system, break into your home, creep through your home, and with you lying sleeping in your skimpy nightgown on the bed,…….they turn off your heat!….. Do ya now see why we enforce the death penalty so strictly down here??? Do you see the brutality of our crimes we deal with??? Just reading this bit from the crime logs made me go out and buy a rabid one-eyed Doberman that I will now physically chain to my Temperature Control Unit on the hallway wall. You can never be too safe)

A deputy responded to a verbal dispute. A man was arguing with his elderly mother on the sidewalk. He wanted her to move into his house, but she refused because he owns cats.

(I tell ya….it’s always the damn cats fault! Though…………I do own 3 of the little farts….so maybe this will actually protect me from Dear Old Mom wanting to move in……..hmmmmmm)

An unknown suspect attempted to force open the back door of a residence.

(Probably that sex-crazed heater psychopath again…..)

A man was found wandering down the road with a head injury. He was transported to Wise Regional Health System. His story kept changing as to how he received the injury.

(Uh….Yeah!!….Take it from a former Nurse…..a concussion or severe head injury…..tends to make things a “little fuzzy”…..)

My wife and I tried the his and hers side-by-side bathtubs outside thing…….it was strange….and I’m sure my neighbors really hated the spectacle of gorgeous housewife bathing next to bloated white Sea World Escapee….. We just wondered one small thing……Where does the water come from? Our side-by-side outdoor tubs….have no faucets…..and no drains for that matter…….what the heck!! Needless to say…..it was awful chilly sitting in an empty bathtub in the back yard in full view of every car driving down the hill behind our house…..

If you have a blog on WordPress, and you notice the dashboard page, you see a list of “Top Posts” on WordPress for that day. Of course, this listing of posts was obviously compiled by a mindless keyboard-pounding juvenile chimpanzee because the posts it lists are absolutely ridiculous. How my recent blog post entitled “I WILL KILL EVERYONE ON THE PLANET WITH TOXIC CHEMICAL AND BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS I STOLE FROM THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT UNLESS THIS POST IS PLACED ON THE “TOP POSTS” LIST!!” did not actually make the list…..is beyond my comprehension. Do they think I am joking???

Oops! Better watch what I type. Lindsay Lohan might sue me, claiming that she has “single-name recognition” on the word “Toxic”.

Can we all please join our hands and pray for Health Care Reform to pass, if for no other reason than Rush Limbaugh claims he will leave the Country if it does indeed pass…….What more incentive do we need people??? What more???

My little comment about George and Kramer hosting the Oscars has generated hundreds of positive comments…..OK….maybe not hundreds…..more like 2………but it has generated comments none the less….. To further the idea of George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer hosting….I would also stipulate that each nominated actor and actress should be allowed to actually hold an actual Oscar while the nominations are being read. Once the winner is announced……the Soup Nazi would storm down into the crowd and physically rip the statues from the grips of the losing nominees…all the while screaming “No Oscar for You!! Step Aside! No Oscar for You!! Step Aside!” As he gathers the loser’s statues and makes his way back to the stage, he would be “backed-up” by Frank Costanza who would be standing atop the stairs to the stage yelling “You wanna piece of me? You Wanna Piece of Meeeee??????!!!” at anyone foolish enough to attempt to charge the stage.

It would be ratings Gold I tell ya!! Gold!!!!

And the whole Academy Awards broadcast could be sponsored by Vandelay Industries, makers of the finest latex and rubber products in the world!……. When you think Latex…..think Vandelay!……

Promotional consideration for this post has been provided by Vandelay Industries.

American Airlines is the official Carrier of The Idiot Speaketh…..American Airlines…..when you absolutely have to be there…..we will get you there on-time…..38% of the time……

I have never met about 80% of the folks that my wife works with. Even the ones that have met me have no clue as to just how deranged and idiotic I am. IF I ever get invited to any type of social gathering or party involving my wife’s co-workers, THIS is the kind of entrance I will make……..

This is another commercial that really sets off my idiot-meter and leaves me laughing every time….

My wife and I are watching TV last night and something comes on that she thought was funny. I just sat there stone-faced. She asked why I never laugh. I waited till the next commercial then got onto the DVR and retrieved this hilarious commercial that cracks me up every time…..

Yes, I saved a COMMERCIAL on my DVR……..what a loser I am……..

The kids “Shocked” look still has me laughing, even after seeing it for the 9,000th time…

I hope every “Frank” in the world does not end up suing E-Trade for slander…..like Lindsay “Milkaholic” Lohan….

I don’t know about you, but I really need that extra fraction of a millisecond! No wonder I have been rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past few weeks…..there is so much to do……and even less time to do it in!

And I’m a stay at home Dad!! How you people that actually work for a living manage to scrape through the day with a fraction of a millisecond less in which to do your work…..is beyond me. My hats off to you!

Did you hear that Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over one of it’s talking toddlers commercials in which a young girl toddler, named Lindsay, is referred to as a “Milkoholic”? First of all, Lindsay Lohan is still alive? There’s a shock in its own right….. Her lawsuit states that Lindsay has “first name recognition” just like Madonna and Oprah. (No God?) Last time I looked, my son is not running around school with a ton of Oprah’s and Madonna’s…….but he has more than a few Lindsay’s in his school. Me thinks that dear Lindsay has a little bit more than milk in her glass…..

I’m an Idiot. I’m the lord of the Idiots….yet you do not see me running around suing every other idiot in the world for “stealing” my name……

Your welcome by the way……

75 degrees and sunny here. We are supposed to get a “cold front” later this week that will plunge the temps down to a bone-chilling….61 degrees…….

And just 3 weeks ago, I had a dang snowman in my driveway!

It never fails. I am here all alone in the morning, the kid off at school, the wife at work, the cats sleeping on the backs of every piece of furniture that we own,…..I go off into the bathroom to do my morning “studying”, I plop down, am minding my own business, and then the damn doorbell rings. I could sit in my living room all day long, for weeks on end, mere feet from the front door, and no one would ever come to my door and ring the bell. But sit down on the toilet for just a second and then the whole house starts chiming!

I figure, given the time of day, it was either: The Landscaper who drove by and noticed that I have 13′ high weeds creating a forest on my front lawn, a Jehovah’s Witness thinking that any man who would allow weeds to reach higher than his roof must surely be possessed by Demonic Forces of Evil, it could have been the water department complaining that they could not find my meter through the forest of weeds, or it might have been the folks from Publishers Clearing House, here with a news crew, wanting to deliver that winning Sweepstakes Check for $1 Million Dollars to me.

Knowing my luck, it was two stray dogs, one standing on the other’s back, doing pranks by ringing doorbells and then bounding across the lawn and down the block….

Damn dogs and their cruel pranks!

My beard is now completely white and nicely matches my white hair. If I wear red, I look like Santa Claus. If I wear white, I look like Colonel Sanders from Kentucky Fried Chicken. If I strip naked….I look like the Michelin Tire Man.

My wife and I watched the Oscars last night, although my wife had a hard time staying awake for the entire 9 hour and 23 minute broadcast.

You can safely watch the opening monologue, watch as they hand out Best Supporting Actor, and then switch channels and actually watch a complete movie, without fear of missing any category that you really give a rip about.

Even though we have not seen either film, my wife and I loved it that “The Hurt Locker” really stuck it to Avatar.

How in the Hell did Farrah Fawcett get left off of the Memorial Tribute? I read this morning that the Academy says that “unfortunately, every year, some people get left off the tribute…..there is just not enough time… yada yada yada…..” Farrah Fawcett had a Hell of a lot more to do with Hollywood than Michael Jackson……or Walter Moskowitz, Key Grip Assistant on “Gone with the Wind”….. In the world of Entertainment, I would argue that the 3 biggest losses last year were Jackson, Fawcett, and Patrick Swayze. And Farrah does not make the cut…….unbelievable!

If you are a fan of The Big Lebowski as I am, after watching Jeff Bridges last night, you get the feeling that playing “The Dude” was not too much of a stretch for him. The man is laid back with a capital “L”.

Out of all the major films nominated, “Invictus” was the only one that my wife and I have seen up to this point.

Did you see James Cameron’s lady Suzy Amis seated next to him? Someone give that woman a sandwich!…

Hard to believe Kathryn Bigelow is 58 years old. There is no way you would think that she is that old.

What was with all the Teeny-Bopper Presenters? Was Nickelodeon producing this years show?

Clint Eastwood and Jack Nicholson were busy, so the best they could scrounge up was Taylor Lautner?

The wife and I are getting rid of the kid over Spring Break. While he is at his Grandparents for the week, we are going to actually go out and try to see some of the films that we missed, although most of them are on DVD already.

I would like to see Jason Alexander and Michael Richards host the show, in character, as George and Kramer. It would be ratings Gold!! Ratings Gold I tell ya!! Gold!!

and there is psychotic lunacy……

An area man who is a Gymnastics coach was arrested for having sex with one of his male students. The male student is 16 years old. It turns out the “relationship” between man and boy has been going on for 4 years, since the boy was 12. A local TV station went to the home of the coach last night to see if they could get a comment from his wife. She answered the door and then quickly closed it, but not before telling the reporter that the “relationship” was “Consensual”, that her husband had begged for her forgiveness, and that she is standing by her husband.

My dumbfounded wife nearly fell off the bed when she heard the wife’s comments…..

Standing by your man is one thing, standing by a suspected pedophile……..that is quite another thing…

One factor to consider. This coach lives in the most exclusive community in the area. Riff-Raff like myself cannot even afford to drive through the town that the coach calls home. Anything under $1,000,000 housing wise, would be considered a “manufactured home”. The town was recently listed in Forbes Magazine as having the highest per capita income in the whole Country.

The first thing that popped into my mind when I heard this lunatic woman standing by her pedophile husband…..was that she does not want to lose the lavish lifestyle that she has grown accustomed to. The pedophile husband can commit any crime against humanity and nature, as far as she is concerned, as long as she does not have to leave her mansion. Obviously the woman is an idiot. Once hubby is convicted and thrown away for Life in Prison, I am sure that the victim, or victims, in this case will end up owning that nice little mansion, and the idiot wife will end living in an actual manufactured home with a lot of neighbors with two first names.

We went in to civilization today to so some shopping. My wife has a half-dozen Kohl’s gift cards burning a hole in her purse since Christmas so she chose today to get rid of them. The kid and I really did not need anything from Kohl’s so we stayed out in the car and listened to a Rangers Spring Training game on the radio. When the wife went in the store, the pre-game show was on and it was about 15 minutes prior to the first pitch. When my wife came out of the store, it was the seventh inning, a spider web had grown between my shoulder and the inside of the car door, 28 cars had come and gone from the parking spot directly in front of me, and the kid had passed out from dehydration about 30 minutes before the wife showed up. If she had not known that we were out in the car patiently waiting….she would have been in there for a week!

Heard the classic England Dan and John Ford Coley song “I’d really love to see you tonight” on the radio on the drive home. Never quite understood one part of the lyrics….

“I’m not talkin bout the Linen…and I don’t wanna change your life….but there’s a warm wind blowing the stars around….and I’d really love to see ya tonight….”

Now, to my idiot mind, the first thing that has always jumped out at me for the 30 years this song has been around…..is what the heck is the deal with the Linen? When I was “Courtin” my wife, I could have cared less about the Linen…..What does the dang Linen have to do with anything?……

Never mind. I have just been informed that the lyric is “I’m not talkin bout MOVIN IN…” instead of “I’m not talkin about the Linen…”

So, shoot me….I’m an Idiot……

Now, if I can just get Donna Summer to explain how the damn cake ended up out in the rain and how she will never have that recipe again…….I can go on with my idiot life………

We went to a buffet for Dinner. I always end up behind the folks that take forever to fork food onto their plates. They look at something, think that it looks good, go to reach for it, then pull back when they see the card indicating the name of the food…..then they pause for 3 minutes as they have an internal struggle in their mind over whether eating something that looks good overwrites eating something with a bad name. I don’t give a rip. I am a guy. If I see something that looks good, I will scoop away, even if the card indicates that the dish is “Habanero Glazed Pelican Testicles rolled in a dirty ashtray and sautee’d in tobacco spittle”. (Those are real tasty by the way…)

I know I say this every time I go to one…..but, the clientele you see in TARGET is like shopping in Beverly Hills compared to the slack-jawed Knuckle-dragging Mouth Breathers at Wal-Mart.

Female Cashiers at TARGET = Sorority Girls
Female Cashiers at Wal-Mart = Need extra income to support my “fella’s” Meth Lab

I could think of no appropriate title for this post, so I just named it Steve.

Saw a report on the evening news about an Idiot Air Traffic Controller that took his kids to work in the Control Tower at JFK Airport last month…and let them read instructions to aircraft over the radio.

This might explain what actually happened to me during my spinal surgery of 11 years ago. Maybe the Surgeon was not to blame after all…..maybe he had taken his kids to work that day….

I can just picture him in the Operating Room, with me spread open like a huge baked potato….holding his squirming grade-schooler in his hands….going….”OK Joey….Now cut that….and that….and that….No NOT THAT!!….Oh crap!….”

Yep, that would explain a lot.

A Cyber-friend of mine up in Canada dropped me a note in which she told of a tragic fire from which Canadian Authorities recovered two bodies. For days, the reports were that two people had died in the fire. Then, it was announced that it was actually just one person…..and a moose. That would be me……If for some reason, my house was to go up during the day while the wife and kid are out of the house…..the local Medical Examiner would no doubt find that my house contained the charred remains of 3 obese cats……and what appeared to be a full grown adult Sperm Whale…….

A Cyber-friend up in Minnesota posted pictures on his blog of an “Ice Dam” on the roof of his house that appeared to be about 10 feet thick. (Apparently, Ice Dams build up on your roof, cause havoc with water coming through your ceiling, and must be tended to all winter long….or else…) Pictures like that will ensure that my wife will NEVER move any farther north than where we already live. I would move to the Great White North or the Upper Midwest in a heartbeat to escape the rednecks, but with being disabled, that would leave Ice Dam Maintenance Duties to the wife and the kid, which would lead undoubtedly to the eventual structural collapse of our home under the crushing weight of the untended Ice Dam, with all of us being gruesomely crushed to death, leading local Authorities to announce that searchers had recovered the frosty remains of an adult female, an adolescent male, three obese cats, and what appeared to be a fully developed male Bigfoot…..

I was sitting in the pick-up line at my son’s school yesterday afternoon when I see a lady start to parallel park in between two cars parked on the street in front of the school. This lady had about a 14 ft. gap in between the parked cars and her own SUV was a good 13’11″ long by what I could see. With “Sunglasses at Night” blaring on my CD Players, I watched in amusement as this lady inched back, then forward, then back, then forward, then back, then forward in a futile attempt to wedge her car in between the two other vehicles. Finally, the bell rang, the kids came pouring out, and then I watched as a little girl strolled over to the curb, stopping right in front of the parking exhibition that was still taking place. The car inched back, then forward, then back, then forward, the little girl stood, the car inched back, forward, etc. About halfway into “Dirty Deeds” by AC/DC…..the lady finally got the car wedged into the gap and up against the curb. Then, 1.2 seconds after she stopped…..the little girl opened up the passenger door and climbed into the car! My own son arrived and jumped in our car and as I was leaving, I glanced over towards the curb and saw the woman inching, forward, then back, then forward, then back……

I got another TV Commercial that sends me into laughing fits every time it comes on. This is one with the talking toddler on E-TRADE in which he is in his high-chair as a guy is seated next to him doing scratch-off lottery tickets. He tells the guy that the odds of winning are like getting eaten by a real bear AND a polar bear in the same day……then when the guy does not win….he shows his “Surprised” look. That “Surprised” look just kills me every time I see it!……..(Small minds are easily amused…)

I got into my car yesterday to nauseating smell of a stench that was strong enough to drop a goat at 100 yards. Doing a search of the car, I reached under the seat and pulled out what appeared to have been a plastic bottle of some type of milk product. The “bottle” had since split apart due to the massive force of the full-sized palm tree now growing inside of it. I guess our little warm up into the 70′s really made it explode….literally. I was going to bring it in and hide it under my son’s bed so he can enjoy the odor he brought to my car…….but his room is like a rain forest as it is and he would not even notice yet another tree or shrub growing from some long-discarded food or beverage product.

As most of you know, I went through nine long years of legal battles with the Doctors and Hospital involved and ended up getting settlements from all involved.

I will tell you that my settlement was WAY under a Million dollars.

I only bring up the figure because of a legal case here in my fair state that is making headlines around the Lone Star State. A man and his wife bought a new home for $234,000 years ago. The house turned out to be a lemon. The house had structural and foundation problems from the day the people moved in. The couple ended up suing the home builder. After years of fighting, the home builder offered to buy the house back at full price. The couple continued on with the suit.

The couple was awarded $58 Million dollars by a jury.

FIFTY-EIGHT MILLION…..for the pain and suffering of a cracked foundation and leaky roof.

My Surgeon ended up doing a surgery on me that he was never trained to do, using equipment that he was not certified to use, with already having had a half-dozen patients prior to me end up crippled from the same surgery……..and my family and I get a tiny fraction of the amount that the leaky roof folks get awarded.

Welcome to Texas.

Sure, I could have turned down the settlement and gone to trial, and I too may have been awarded millions. I also faced the possibility that a jury would have awarded me nothing. For my families sake, I was not willing to take that chance.

Our County? Us Democrats squeaked out one minor victory when Luella McPherson pulled out a narrow win in a real nail-biter of a race for the Newark, TX Place 4 Cemetery and Landfill Board.

In some real head-scratchers here in Texas…..

A State Representative who was on the ballot for re-election, but ineligible to hold office due to the fact that she was just convicted of Federal Corruption charges, and is now a convicted felon…..still managed to get over 30% of the vote in her district. Even though it was well publicized that she could not hold office, and that her name was on the ballot only because no one in the State Elections Office knows how to work the “take the name off the ballot machine”……she still got 1/3 of the voters to cast votes for her.

We had a 3-way race for the Republican Nomination for Governor. We had our current Governor,
“Governor Good Hair”, one of our current US Senators, and a radical Tea-Party Candidate all vying for the nomination. A couple hours after the polls closed, Governor Good Hair was leading the US Senator 53%-31%. The Tea Party radical was lagging behind at 16%. The Senator conceded, Governor Good Hair went onstage and gave his victory speech, and…… Oh yeah, the Tea Party lady was interviewed at her “victory celebration” where in a live interview, with people taking down decorations and sweeping up in the background, she defiantly announced that she was not conceding because nearly half of the votes had yet to be counted and “her numbers” showed they were making up ground on Governor Good Hair and that she was still confident in victory. This is the same lady I told you about a few weeks ago that went on the Glenn Beck Show and refused to say that the US Government had nothing to do with the Sep. 11th attacks, saying there “is just a lot of facts that we do not know…”.

Moving on….

Keith Olbermann has gotten as unwatchable as Rush Limbaugh. If he were to read this, I am sure he would slam me down with a “Have you no shame Sir!!…” editorial for even lumping him into the same sentence as Limbaugh.

Remember when the big 3 Network news anchors would just read and report the news, and other than a few editorials thrown in here and there, there was no “opinion” given on certain subjects? Now, all of our 24hr news channels are not in business to report the news, they just give us their slant on the news, targeted towards their political demographics. When I heard an Idiot on FOX NEWS slamming the Obama Administration for their response to the earthquake in Chile…….I knew that the days of just reporting news are long over with. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING is now political.

The sun has finally come out and my yard is now exploding with weeds. I called a landscaping company to see if they could come spray the yard with weed killer/grass fertilizer and the guy asks me what kind of grass I have…..

“Green”…..

We have a fast-food chicken place in town that does things a little different as far as the Drive-Thru window goes… You pull up to to the menu and then a kid comes trotting out of the back door and physically takes your order. These kids, all High-School types, carry no pad or anything to write your order down and just do it from memory. This really annoyed me when we first moved here, so each time we went back, I would give ever longer and more complicated orders in hopes of tripping up the kids, if for no other reason than I am a sad and sadistic person…. Still, the kids always got the orders correct. Now, I have taken a different plan of attack and have started throwing in menu items that do not exist, in the middle of my long order which I spit out at lightning fast speed. “Yeah..I’ll take a 4 piece with two thighs, a leg, a lower back, two rolls, mashed potatoes, a gallon of duck-ankle soup, corn nuggets, white gravy, a gallon of sweet-tea, a side order of cole slaw, all the money in the register, a large coke, two packets of ketchup, a pack of adult depends diapers, three hundred packets of Sweet and Low, and 32 plain white straws please….”

The kid read the order back to me, word for word, and calmly announced that they do not serve duck-ankle soup and that the gentleman in the car right in front of me had gotten the last of the money from the register…

It is Primary Day, time to get out and cast yet another useless vote as one of the few open-minded, clear-headed, grounded, and politically responsible people left in my rural County…

Pretty Humble aren’t I?

Many of you would think that I am a screaming Liberal and that I storm into my local polling place, with my Tie-Dye Peace sign T-Shirt on, tossing “No Nukes” and “Save the Whales” buttons at everyone I meet, as I proceed to happily go down the ballot and vote Democratic on EVERYTHING…..without exception, as “Somebody to Love” by Jefferson Airplane blares across the speakers in the room.

Better DEAD than RED(neck)!!!! Right?

Wrong.

Like many of you (I hope), I have a few rules when it comes to voting.

1. I actually VOTE. Those who do not exercise their right to vote are restricted from griping and complaining about EVERYTHING until the next election.

2. I vote for the person that I think will do the best job, irregardless of political party. In recent years, I have probably voted for just as many Republicans and Independents as I have Democratic candidates.

3. If their is a race or ballot measure that I know nothing about, I do NOT vote in that race or for/against that ballot measure. Voting straight party lines without having a clue about the candidates is the most politically ignorant thing you can do.

So, I am going out to vote today before I pick up the kid from school. As you can probably tell if you have read this blog for any length of time, I live in a VERY Conservative area of North Texas. There is a very real chance that after today’s Election, our County will have NO elected officials that are from any party other than the Republican Party. In many election ads, the local GOP Office has not tried to hide the fact that this is their #1 goal for this Election, they want complete control over the entire County.

I am sticking to my guns and will resist the temptation to go in and just vote straight Democratic just to be a tiny thorn in their plans. Again, if I know nothing about the candidates, including the Democrats, I will not vote for them.

So, I will stroll into my local polling place later today, will have to step over the sleeping dog in the doorway, the Election volunteer will pick up the small stack of registered Democrat Voters, will blow an inch of dust off of them, will hand me my ballot and I will Vote.

Tomorrow, I will be griping right and left about this and that…….but at least I voted. And life will go on….until the next Election…….which should be REAL interesting……considering how their will most likely no Democrats holding elected office in the County……the GOP folks will have to turn on themselves to fight over each office……

Boy I can’t wait for that!

Yesterday, prior to my son and I attending a WWE Wrestling event for the first time, I used this blog to spell out some preconceived notions I might have had as to the general make-up of the typical WWE audience.

I hinted that I might not fit in with the other attendees in that I do not own any camouflage, Nascar gear, Sleeveless redneck t-shirts, a Wal-Mart smock, etc. etc.

I was doing my very best to stereotype the types of people I would expect to find at a WWE Event, without ever even having watched a WWE event on TV, let alone in person. For all I really knew, I was really way off base and would be proven to be a major league ignorant idiot of the highest magnitude….

Well, after attending this WWE event, in person, I can calmly sit down and type out my thoughts as to what I found to be the reality of the WWE audience here in North Texas.

I NAILED IT!!!!

BIG TIME!!!!

Never, I mean N-E-V-E-R in my blogging life have I ever sat down and prejudged and savaged a group of people as I had with what I thought I was going to encounter at yesterday’s “Rasslin Match”. My depiction of the people in attendance was so spot on, that I now think I might have some actual psychic or idiot-savant type tendencies….

From the moment I left the car, until the moment we returned to the car……..I was awash in a sea of:

Camouflage
Nascar Clothing
Sleeveless shirts on people over 400lbs
mullets….thousands of mullets…..everywhere you looked…..Mulletville USA!!
Confederate flag shirts, bumper stickers, flags, tattoo’s, etc.
Men, women, children, and small pets….dippin..spittin..and chewin….for as far as the eye could see…
Men with wallets actually chained to their belts
Women with a beer in one corner of the mouth, a cigarette in the other corner, and a back-up cigarette in the other hand…
Thousands of men wearing greasy work shirts with their first names patched on the front..
A thousand cars and trucks in the parking lot and mine was the only one without a visible gun rack
(I am still trying to scrub all the red off of the back of my neck area…)

It was the supporting cast of the movie “Deliverance”, but a thousand times worse!!

No, I am not over-exaggerating…….. it was that bad!……

Things might be different in your neck of the woods if you attend a “rasslin match”….I am just relaying the “gene-pool experiment gone bad” feel of the audience that attended in Wichita Falls, TX.

I have attended one NASCAR race in my life.

Comparing the WWE to NASCAR, the NASCAR race was like going to the Opera……..

One other thing about the people in attendance yesterday………almost everyone in the building…..thought what they were watching was REAL!!………

We saw about 8-9 “matches”.

EVERY match has the same set-up. There is a hero, and a villain. The villain beats the tar out of the hero for the first 90% of the match before the hero, spurred on by the cheers of the crowd, comes storming back for a stunning victory…..

EVERY match came out this way! One thing about Pro “Wrestling” is that there is really NO RULES. Guys hit their opponents with fists, clubs, chairs, 2X4′s, spiked clubs, golf clubs, stray Chihuahua’s, you name it…..

A wrestler could pick up said stray chihuahua, start beating his opponent senselessly about the buttocks with the terrified pooch, and the idiots behind me are all standing up screaming….”That’s a foul!! That’s a foul!! Hey Ref!! That’s a Foul! You can’t swing a dog below the belt on Sunday!! That’s a foul!!!”

The brainless droids all think that the whole show is actually real…….I was stunned!…..

Bad guy starts punching good guy in the chest repeatedly…….frantic fan behind me is telling his little woman that…”Oh that’s a broken rib! Oh! There’s nuther un! There’s nuther un!! He’s got at least 37 broken ribs now Margene!!….Aint no way he’s fightin fer a month!!!!!”

No kind sir, I respectfully disagree…… I would wager my house on the fact that both of these gentleman will be back to “rasslin” lickety-split…..like….the NEXT NIGHT….in the next town…..because……(wait for it…wait for it…) IT IS FAKE!!!!! F-A-K-E!!!!!!!! They are ENTERTAINERS!!

The “STAR” of the night was John Cena. My son says that he is more famous than GOD himself. Not as famous as Jon Gosselin or Sarah Palin…..but definitely more famous than GOD.

Apparently, the Good Lord Himself most likely has a John Cena poster on his wall….

He came out with the same routine as all the others. John Cena comes out to screaming hero’s welcome, gets the living crap beat out of him for 10 minutes, crowd spurs him into miraculous comeback, bad guy loses, John Cena leaves ring triumphant……mindless droids are in a frenzy…..everyone is happy.

My son had a great time. That was all I really cared about. He knows that it is fake, he just looks at like going to a good movie. I told him that I was happy he enjoyed it….but let him know in no uncertain terms…..that I would N-E-V-E-R be attending another WWE anything for the remainder of my life…..

You might ask, was there not one positive out of the whole ordeal?

To be fair, yes there was…..

Parking was free.

For that, I am grateful.