Thursday.
Bridgeport, TX.
Earth.
It’s time to begin therapy on the new bionic foot.
I go to the Physical Therapy establishment for my initial evaluation.
The Therapy place is right next door to a new Chinese Buffet that my Dad and I will be assaulting once my evaluation is complete.
The two businesses share a common wall.
The reception area of the Therapy place must border the kitchen of the Chinese Buffet, as evidenced by the continuous muffled sounds of dogs barking and monkeys shrieking.
I check in at the front desk.
The gal hands me a mountain of paperwork to fill out.
The first 10 pages want me to detail my entire health history from the time I was born. I decide to get “creative” just to see if they actually read this stuff.
After 20 minutes of paperwork, the lead therapist comes to get me. She leads me back to an exam room and has me sit on a table as she pulls up a rolling chair and starts to pour through my paperwork.
“Mr. Packawack… What exactly led to the injury on your foot?…..it says VABFAB on here but I’m afraid that I don’t recognize that abbreviation…”
I tell her that this is the standard globally recognized abbreviation for “Violent Attack By Flightless Antarctic Bird”.
She looks up at me.
“Huh?”
I need to put it into layman’s terms for her.
“I was attacked by a Penguin“
“You were attacked by ….a penguin…..an actual penguin…..little cute guy in a tuxedo type of penguin?”
“Yes, though I wouldn’t say he was real cute….look at what he did to my foot!”
“And this happened where exactly?”
“San Antonio“
“You were attacked by a vicious penguin in San Antonio?”
“Yep…..at Sea World“
The girl rolled her eyes. Obviously she was dealing with a clearly deranged or severely psychotic idiot.
“Moving on Mr. Packawack….. Under your medical history, I notice a few more entries and abbreviations that I don’t recognize…. what is this “ATCOS” entry back in 2005?”
“That is ATROPHIED TESTICULAR CIRCULAR OBJECT SYNDROME“
“Huh?”
“In Layman’s terms it means shrunken Kahonies“
She rolls her eyes and moves on…
“And in 2007….you have marked down…SHC X2?”
“Yes Ma’am….. That is SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION…..TWO EPISODES“
“You spontaneously burst into flames….twice?”
“Yep“
“Alrighty…moving on…Under chronic conditions, you list CNPFUF…..what is that if I dare to ask?”
“Yes Ma’am….that’s CHRONIC NOCTURNAL POTENTIALLY FATAL UNCONTROLLED FLATULENCE“
“As in fatal to you?”
“No Ma’am….fatal to my wife….”
“Moving on…….under your medications, you list Coumadin, Neurontin, and FV (1W,1B,2BB Daily)… I don’t recognize the FV 1W 1B 2BB medication”
“Yes Maam…. that’s FLINTSTONES VITAMINS, 1 WILMA, 1 BARNEY, AND TWO BAM-BAM’S DAILY“
The gal sat motionless, mouth open.
Just then, another therapist, a guy who had treated me before, saw me and entered the room.
“Hey Mark! Wassssup!!! You’re not giving Michelle a hard time are ya? What has he told ya Michelle? Last year, he came in after supposedly being bitten by a rabid moth that he was sure was actually a vampire…. what goofy reason did he give you?
“Penguin Attack…”
The guy high-fived me.
“Penguin attack! Niiiiiicccccceeeee!”
Suddenly, the muffled dog barks from behind the wall stopped. That could only mean one thing, Fresh Kung Pao Shihtzu was soon to be carried to the buffet table. It was time for lunch! The therapist made me a schedule for therapy on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday for the next month, I retrieved my Dad, and off we shuffled to the Chinese place next door.
And yet another innocent therapist has been introduced to the warped world of the Idiot.
Brill. Didnt have time to tell any lies when i went as he was busy tying me in knowts to sort out my lower back and hip.
By: gemmafawn on January 27, 2012
at 1:07 pm
hahahahaha! great vitamins!
By: lahgitana on January 27, 2012
at 1:08 pm
The vitamin regiment put me over the top! Hilarious!
By: thelifeofjamie on January 27, 2012
at 2:15 pm
Mafia Princess – I can’t live without the Bam Bam’s…..
By: TheIdiotSpeaketh on January 27, 2012
at 2:23 pm
Thanks for my day’s dose of hilarity from you and chuckles
By: Ann Marquette on January 27, 2012
at 3:32 pm
Oh, I used to love eating Bam Bam…wait, that came out funny…you know what I mean!
Not nice to suggest my dog was being eaten for lunch, Mark! I assure you, he would not be tasty in the least. Too much hair. And the eyeballs would be staring at you like a fish. not appetizing.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
By: Sandi Ormsby on January 27, 2012
at 3:47 pm
You had me hysterical at penguin attack. What can I say? I have a thing for black and white arctic birds!
Still laughing,
Kathy
By: Kathryn McCullough on January 27, 2012
at 4:26 pm
Ann – Just glad I could help
By: TheIdiotSpeaketh on January 27, 2012
at 4:29 pm
This reminded me of comments a friend used to make. There is a very small, family-owned Chinese Restaurant in town. The family lived in a section of the building. When customers would walk past the building, the little dog would jump around and bark, peeking through a long, heavy curtain that covered the window. Every time we walked past, she would comment “I’m so glad to see that the dog is still around”.
Very racist, and I will likely go to hell for it, but I laughed a little every time.
Glad that the PT place has your number. You will have a little red check next to your name in almost every business in town now, with the comment “don’t believe a word he says”
By: chlost on January 27, 2012
at 5:52 pm
Queen of the Courtroom – You are right. This is secretly all part of my devious plan to move us to Red River, once I have been blacklisted from every place in town here
By: TheIdiotSpeaketh on January 27, 2012
at 6:19 pm
You could’ve claimed to be a penguin-pecked husband, as opposed to hen-pecked. Then all you would need is a photo of D’aun in a tux.
Think of the discussions THAT could start at home!
By: John Erickson on January 27, 2012
at 6:26 pm
No-Hio – Good point, this is true
By: TheIdiotSpeaketh on January 27, 2012
at 6:46 pm
I suffer from CNPFUF as well.
By: BrainRants on January 27, 2012
at 7:26 pm
Poor woman, LOL
By: Marcia Clarke on January 27, 2012
at 7:41 pm
Loved it. Can I have the Pebbles vitamins since you aren’t using them?
Did she tell you two of the therapy were physical and the other one not…
By: workingtechmom on January 28, 2012
at 8:16 am
Maybe she is a blogger and out there somewhere she has a great post about the, let’s say eccentric, yeah, eccentric man that visited her today.
By: kewsmith on January 28, 2012
at 4:52 pm
kewsmith – eccentric huh? nice save
By: TheIdiotSpeaketh on January 28, 2012
at 5:00 pm
That is the funniest thing I have read in a really long time. Poor girl. Lmfao.
By: bloohmoon on January 28, 2012
at 5:07 pm
I don’t eat Chinese buffet very often, but when I do I assualt it as hard as I can. Then I’m hungry 2 hours later.
By: yellowcat on January 29, 2012
at 6:04 pm