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**Time for another flashback post, way back to 2006**

My wife was the valedictorian of her High School in the bustling metropolis of Chillicothe, Texas. After graduation, she chose to attend the University of Texas in Austin,(National Champs!) a somewhat surprising choice since most students in her area of West Texas would have chosen Texas Tech University in nearby Lubbock. By all accounts my wife had a normal and joy filled childhood and a stellar school career in Chillicothe. She was crowned School Queen (I knew I would marry royalty), was a Cheerleader, and was active in a number of groups and organizations. After deciding to attend UT-Austin she made a fateful mistake that would forever ruin her life and drive her emotionally to the edge of insanity…..she chose to be a Psychology Major! I can say with all honesty after living with this wonderful little woman for 16 years now, that persons with degrees in Psychology are the most confused, messed up people walking the planet! These poor students have it drilled into them for four long years that in the world of Psychology, “everything has a purpose” and “everything has a meaning”. This leaves these poor souls aimlessly trying to discover the true purpose and meaning of everything on the planet. They cannot intellectually accept something as simple as “it is what it is” without trying to overanalyze everything. I myself only have about 40 hours of college credits, accumulated at a Community College and a small “Wannabe” college in Oregon, a fact that my wife is not hesitant to remind me of. If I can’t open the pickle jar, she rips it from my hands, twists it open with ease, and then will give me a sarcastic “That’s what a degree will do for you…you weak, worthless wimp!”. Of course my wife might just be suffering from sort of genetic anti-social behavior since the mere existence of actual Psychology has been challenged my many renowned scientists and experts like Dr. Tom Cruise. (Run Katie Run!) Getting back to the warped world these poor souls live in. Whatever you happen to say to a Psychology major, he or she will try to figure out “what you really meant”, often driving themselves to the edge of madness in the process. Do not ever try to argue with a person with a degree in Psychology, especially a woman with a Psych degree. Just remember that the woman has the last word in any argument and that anything a man says after that is just the beginning of a new argument. An Argument that you will NEVER win. Ever. Example:

Wife- “How does my hair look?”
Husband- “It looks fine”
Wife- “What’s wrong with it?”
Husband – “Nothing..I said it was fine..”
Wife – “You liar!..You hate it!….”
Husband – “Ok..I’m sorry…your hair looks nice….”
Wife – “no it doesn’t..you’re just saying that so I won’t be mad at you..”
Husband – “No really…it looks nice!”
Wife – “What are you REALLY trying to say….Nice?
Husband- “Dear, nice really does mean good…honest”
Wife – “Liar!…I look like a troll!”
Husband- “Can I go now?”
Wife- “Fine! Just think about yourself and ignore my feelings you selfish idiot!”

Again a rule to remember, you will never, ever, win an argument with a person with a degree in psychology. And don’t under any circumstances say that anything about your wife is “fine” or “nice”, these words will not be in her vocabulary if she happens to wield a degree in Psychology. Again, they will always try to read way too much into everything that goes on around them. When our son was a baby he often had the rude and unusual habit of waking up and crying in the middle of the night.

Baby- “WaaaaaaaWaaaaaWaaaaaaaa”
Wife-” I wonder what’s the matter with Tyler?…..”
Stupid Husband – “He’s hungry…..”
Wife – “No..that’s not it..something else must be bothering him….”
Baby – “WaaaaaWaaaaaa(I’m Hungry!)”
Husband – “I tell you honey…the boy is hungry……”
Wife- “are you implying that I don’t know the needs of my own child?”
Baby- “gooo goooo fooood fooooood gooo gooo “
Husband – “No dear…I’m just saying..he hasn’t eaten in 4 hours and he’s probably hungry”
Wife – “You ignorant slob…..you think I’m a bad mother!……..”

See my point, you will never win. One final example:

Husband-” You know honey I was reading up on Psychology and was wondering something…if the what that we are is all that we can be then what we strive to be is irrelevant and useless in this modernistic world of free-thinking and self-assurance….I was wondering then, If this all that I am, and that if this all I want to be, then haven’t I reached my full potential in a psychological and physical sense?……”

Wife- “What the heck have you been smoking? You stick to reading the funny pages and leave the Psychology to us that earned actual degrees from an Institution of Higher Learning…..knuckle dragging spineless jellyfish!”

In all honesty, being married to my wife and her treasured degree, has had a huge impact on my intellectual well-being. Before I met my wife, I was an emotionless, boring slug. I often sat motionless at my desk, a blank look on my face, and had an endless supply of drool trickling out of my mouth. I had no sense of humor, no sense of purpose, no ambition in life, and was not even concerned with maintaining
any consistent form of personal hygiene. This is true, just ask my friend. (singular) Being the subject of such intense psychological scrutiny and humiliation for the past 16 years has helped me come out of my confining shell as helped to me to grow immensely as a human being. In fact, if you weigh me on the scales right now, you will see that I am growing a whole new human inside of my body as we speak! I would guess that the “New Me” will probably weigh about 50lbs when he comes into the world seeing as how that correlates to the amount of pounds I have gained since I entered into therapy. (marriage) Thank you honey for all your help over these years! Just imagine how twisted my mind will be in another 16 years! And what is she doing with her degree in Psychology these days?

She is an Elementary School Special Education Teacher.

Run kids….run!

(From the Archives: January 2006)

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